Washington, DCNovember 7th, 2002
The Procrastination Party sufferred a major setback today, when their vote-counting petition was dismissed by the Supreme Court without a full hearing. Procrastination Party officials argued that any Americans who do not vote at all on Election Day would actually be expressing the sincerest form of support for the Procrastination Party's underlying principles of staying home and doing nothing, and therefore should be considered as having voted for the Procrastination Party's presidential nominee, the lazy webmaster known as pyre, as well as any other candidates for state or local offices that the party may or may not have gotten onto the ballots.
Critics of the proposed measure have called it "The most pathetic, transparent, and self-serving attempt at vote-stealing ever committed by a political party that wasn't the Republicans." Supreme Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist referred to the proposition as "a complete waste of our fucking time" in the Court's decision, and was heard to have called the Procrastination Party "a sack of god-damned hippy retards" in the Supreme Court halls, by the soda machine. The vote-counting initiative could have, if passed, given the Procrastination Party a major victory this November. With its defeat, analysts predict that candidate pyre will fare slightly worse at the polls than during the 2000 presidential elections, in which he received 0.00% of the popular vote. Asked for comment on the decision, pyre answered "I think the judges would have looked on our arguements more favorably if our lawyers had shown up for court on time, or on the right day.
The Procrastination Party is expected to consider appealing the Supreme Court ruling, but not actually get around to doing so.
Washington, DC
The Procrastination Party announced its performance in the recent mid-term elections today. "We didn't do so hot," said a party spokesperson, "But you know, considering we hadn't really gotten around to figuring out what seats and governorships or whatever were up for election this year and if we had any potential candidates in those states, I guess it wasn't really that bad of a showing." Exit polls revealed that 98.9% of voters had never heard of the Procrastination Party, and a total of 0 registered Procrastination Party members turned out to vote in the mid-term elections
In a revolutionary show of initiative, the Procrastination Party also announced that the debacle of the mid-term elections has inspired them to start campaigning for the 2004 presidential elections immediately. The party has also taken a firm stance to campaign for Procrastination candidates in whichever other elections are up in 2004, just as soon as any of them figure out what other public offices will have their elections then.
Asked if they'd selected a presidential candidate yet, the party spokesperson replied "Yeah, of course we have! We're not THAT lazy you know. We're going to go with, um, that same guy as last time. You know him, uh, pyre! Yep, pyre for president!"
November 8th, 2000
Washington, DC
The Procrastination Party announced its nomination today of beloved webmaster "pyre", author of the essentially unknown website Areaology.com, for President of the United States in 2000. Also announced was the formation and existence of the Procrastination Political Party, even though the group claims to have been organized in "1988 or so, yeah, right around then." Procrastination Party officials remain optimistic of pyre's chances in the political arena this year, even though they have little time to campaign and get their message out to the public before yesterday's Presidential election.
When asked about his selection of a Vice-President, Presidential Candidate pyre inquired if he could be allowed to make that decision after he was elected, but mentioned that one possible running mate he was thinking about maybe considering was a man named "Undecided" who he'd heard was doing pretty good in the polls.