November 3rd, 2004
The Procrastination Party announced this morning the beginning of its massive voter registration drive program in preparation for the presidential election. Some party officials were found at a local mall, milling about trying to get people's attentions while other volunteers began working on signs with recently-purchased markers and posterboard. Turnout for the event could be charitably referred to as "low."
"Our analysts have determined and also heard on TV that voter turnout will be the key to winning the presidency this year," explained a Procrastination Party official. "We feel that making sure our base is registered will be integral to getting a few votes this time out." When reporters pointed out that the 2004 presidential election had in fact already happened the day before, the official offered the following statement:
"You're shitting me. This is some sort of dirty trick to keep the 3rd party- okay, like the 17th party voice from being heard! Oh yeah? Well if the election was yesterday, then who won?" Given the morning's deadlock over Ohio, reporters admitted that he did have them there.
Later that afternoon, reporters tracked down perenial procrastination party presidential hopeful pyre to get his response to Senator Kerry's concession speech to President Bush. pyre was found in a Cleveland nightclub wearing a silk bathrobe and what appeared to be a bandolier made of condom packages.
"It doesn't matter if Kerry conceded already," slurred the candidate in between sips of a martini, "Because I have not conceded yet, and in keeping with the traditions that my party, I dare say that this very country, was founded upon, I may never get around to conceding this election. In addition, I feel that the Washington-insider politicians and the media have gravely mislead my fellow Americans as well as my fellow self. I have been here in Ohio all day because the pundits and polls led me to believe that Ohio was 'the swingingest of the swing states.' In support of these claims of swinging, I have not seen any evidence! In fact, during my time here I have not gotten any, either. Hey, how're you doin'?"
Further questions were ignored by pyre, who appeared to be ogling the waitress.
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In the meantime, why don't you go spend some time with your crotch or maybe get some Dating Advice, hmm?