Telemarketting Revenge

I have come to very dearly, very personnally hate MCI telemarketters. Not because they call me, they don't. It's far more intense hatred than just someone I can hang up on. I'm sure many people hate telemarketters for the obvious reasons, too. But this isn't about the reasons. This is about what we can DO about it. I'm not proposing some pointless petition or other lame attempt to end telemarketting. What I'm doing right now is giving you a quick and easy method to completely screw over the specific telemarketter who called you. This is based on some inside information about what can actually harm a telemarketter's commision and likelihood of keeping their job. It also can screw over that telemarketter's supervisor, their team, and if enough people do this the entire telemarketting call center. (This only works for long distance sales telemarketters, not other types of sales calls. Also, the method is based around MCI policies specifically, but I'm fairly sure the other major long distance companies operate similarly enough that it'll work for them too.) Here we go:

1: When the MCI telemarketter (TM) calls you, resist the basic temptation to just hang up.

2: Pretend to be somewhat upset with your current phone company. Don't seem too eager to sign up, just act like you're considering changing providers and are willing to hear the TM's offer.

3: The TM will rattle off some plan and promotional offers, leaving out important details and phrasing things in misleading ways, if not outright lying. Act like this is the greatest deal you've ever heard. Ask a few questions about "catches" or rates to specific states or cities that you call a lot. The questions make it more believable that you're actually interested. Ask them where they're calling from. If it's Iowa City, IA, e-mail me at TMhate@areaology.com to tell me about it.

4: Mention that you sometimes make international calls, like to Canada or Europe or wherever strikes your fancy. The TM will be more than happy to offer you an International Calling Plan, because they get more commision for selling these.

5: If the TM asks if you have other lines or cellphones, say yes. If you don't really just make up the phone numbers. The area code and first 3 digits should be the same as your actual phone number. It's easiest to just add 1 to the last digit of your number. The TM will be ecstatic by now, because multiple line accounts are another source of big bonuses.

6: At this point you need to agree to sign up. Don't worry, you're not actually signing up or joining companies, because of the step #8. Tell the TM you want to switch to their service and act like you're incredibly glad they called you and can't wait to get changed over. For added fun ask them if they'd call one of your friends to offer them the same amazing deal, and give them the phone number of someone else that knows this trick.

7: The TM is going to transfer you to Third Party Verification. They'll explain that the verification is to confirm your switch and is not customer service so won't be able to answer questions, and ask if you have any final questions before the transfer. Just say that you want to go ahead and confirm everything so you can start saving money. The key here is to convince the TM that you're an absolute 100% sure-thing sale.

8: You'll be transferred to Third Party Verification, which is usually a set of recorded questions with someone listening for your answers. As soon as they ask a question say "NO" in a loud, clear voice. If it's a touchtone version press whatever number means "No, I do not want this service." As long as you don't provide a "Yes" answer to the verification system's questions your actual phone service remains unchanged. You've just ruined that TM's metrics for the day, and he or she will have to get 2 or 3 actual lines signed up to make up for it.

9: You may get called back after failing to confirm the Third Party Verification. You want this to happen, it's why you need to sound convincingly impressed earlier on. If they think you're a sure sale and then the verification cancels there's a good chance they'll try to call back to see what went wrong and if they can reverse the cancel and get the sale. Pretend you got confused or got disconnected and apologize and say that you really really do want to sign up. They'll explain how the verification works again and transfer you again.

10: Repeat steps 8 and 9 as many times as they call back, or until you get bored.

Why this works: Telemarketters get a commision based on how many lines they sell, but to receive the payouts they also have to a certain Quality Percentage. Their quality score is based on a few actual monitored calls but mainly on the number of lines they send which fail the Third Party Verification. Also, not only do you get the satisfaction of ruining one telemarketter's quality score, but also all the telemarketters on that team and their supervisor. The team has a quality goal that has to be met or else they don't get team prize payouts and the supervisor doesn't get payouts. If a team's quality is low enough the supervisor can even get written up or eventually fired. Believe me, if you think the average telemarketter is annoying, the supervisors who encourage them are ten times more obnoxious, aggressive, and dishonest.

Now go, take this knowledge of how to ruin the day of some of the most annoying people on the planet and use it well. If you actually have time to kill, try to keep the TM on the line as long as possible, because that prevents them from getting more sales to make up for your failed verification and ruins their Average Call Handling Time, another statistic they're supposed to keep low.

Oh yeah, and if you actually want to be taken off call lists, send an e-mail to the customer service department of the company involved asking to be added to their "Do Not Call" list. Telling a TM not to call is about as effective as pissing into a headwind, but if you get an e-mail confirmation that you've been added to their list it's a legal document. If you continue to receive calls after you're on the Do Not Call list the e-mail is all the proof you need to file a complaint with the FCC.