2/8/04

It’s been a long week and am proud of myself that I didn’t lose it at any point. Had way too many moments where I just wanted to cry and not always sure why. I hate crying. Proves I’m a girl and shows myself that I am not always strong, providing a vulnerable space for someone to get in somewhere. Between Chaela and Kelly acting stupid and telling me it’s my fault that we are sitting broke and men acting stupid that I should be w/ them individually, I don’t know how much more I can take. God damnit…I’m trying. I’m trying to get back on my feet, trying to be a good mom, trying to not hurt Allen but let him know it really is over and can’t be changed, trying to make my family not worried about me anymore, trying to keep a smile on my face. I can’t do it anymore, though. The inner JC is going to emerge soon and all Hell’s going to break loose. If I reform back to her, there is no way I’ll get me and my kids’ lives back on track. I don’t even know what it is I need to do to get my head back on straight. I’m confused about too many fricken things right now and don’t know where to start.

Why does Chaela act like she hates me? What have I ever done to her that makes her despise me so? She doesn’t even speak to me w/ respect anymore. She’s failing ½ her classes. I don’t know what to do w/ her anymore to make it better for both of us. Maybe I gave her too much freedom to be the person she wanted to be and wasn’t paying attention to what was going on in her life til she reached the point that she didn’t need anyone anymore including me. Did I do this to her?

Kelly doesn’t speak to me like he used to either. I’m finally home all the time like he’s complained about for 3 years but now he’s complaining that I’m home and not working. I give up. He’s so mean to me anymore and I don’t know the right way to handle it. Is it because I got rid of the only ‘father figure’ he’d ever had? Did I do the damage I am seeing reflected from him now?

Was it in my control to save my marriage? I think maybe it was still possible until I chose to leave my marriage for someone I thought made me happier. I know I tried to talk to Allen a hundred times and never succeeded but what if I had made him sit down and talk things out and confronted him w/ everything I had found out he had done. Well, on that note. This section is done. Just realized that I can never forget everything he did so it doesn’t matter what I could have said or done at that point. Am I being too harsh, though? Can I forgive him for what he did, for the kids sake to have their dad w/ them? Can I look past his faults and try to put my marriage back together? Can I look past the point that I am not attracted to him anymore and maybe it will come back later if I have patience? Am I still in love w/ him and just scared to admit it for fear of being hurt again and tied down like I hate to be?

Could I have saved my job? The job I worshipped and lived for. If I had done what they wanted and let my friends go, I could have. If I had let my friends go, I would have lost my mind by now. My friends are really all I have left, well the ones I have left and made a point to keep. So, to choose that job over them would have made no sense for my sanity and happiness.

I have let my family down once again. Not on purpose, if that counts. I’ve lied to them, held back from them, not let them in to help me, and purposely skipped family events to avoid them. The ones who were there for me all my life (not my mom, of course) I have left in the dark for too long now. If they knew everything that was going on in my life, they would all be worried especially Grandma and I can’t have that. I am too strong for them to see me down again. Ever. I have embarrassed them too many times to add this on. They all have their own issues anyway.

I can’t even move on in my life for my love life. I don’t know what I want to know if I ever found it. Men? Women? A relationship? Loneliness? I feel like I am afraid to give another relationship a chance, but not sure if it’s from being afraid or not. Is it? I am enjoying my freedom but miss having someone around who knows me, who I can talk to and laugh w/ (besides my friends), who I can cuddle w/ at night just to feel safe and secure and loved. Do I miss all of that enough to lose my freedom, though? Is it worth it cuz I don’t feel like it is.

Wish I could go back in time but not sure what I would exactly change anymore. I still would have left Allen and would have left MCI on my own just a little later than when they fired me. I would probably go back far enough to change what I allowed Kelly, Sr. and Ricky to do to me which made me so strong willed and stubborn to accept love. They are the ones to thank for what I am today, for the most part. I used to trust everyone til I had a reason not to and held out open arms for affection. Can you imagine that I used to be a touchy-feely type of person? Sounds strange now, but I remember me back then. Too naïve to understand that what they did to me was not right and I didn’t have to let them do it anymore. What I need to thank them for the most, though, is for the fact that I still flinch when someone gets too close to me physically and that will never go away. Thanks, assholes. I will get revenge for everything you did to me, someday. Yes, I am different now and don’t need revenge to feel satisfaction. But, when I was with you both I was a different person and revenge was part of my style then so be it. I hate you both more than anyone else alive but I guess Kelly, Sr. wins the #1 spot forever for what you did to my son, too.

I want so badly to move to Wichita to be back w/ Heather and Todd but I think that is just because no matter where I am being w/ them means safety and ‘home’. If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I could afford a trip to see them even only for a few days. Of all times in my life, I need them now. What’s funny and heartbreaking is that Todd knows I’m getting divorced and having a rough time and hasn’t made one attempt to reach me. I’ve tried to reach him and have written him letters w/ no responses. He has to know I need him but for some reason he’s let me sit w/o him. Not like Todd. Heather’s been there for me, but from 16 hours away.

Heading to bed now, but wondering how long til I actually fall asleep. Maybe talking to Drako would help; it has been 12 hours since I smoked and it would relax me. Put in Finding Nemo w/ Kori…yeah, that’s my plan for now. Put on a fresh new face (act?) starting tomorrow w/ a new week and new day.