The Original David Bowie's Area Webpage

This webpage contains dangerous instructions on how to become illuminated within the Truth and Beauty that is David Bowie's Area and should be viewed by every single person in the whole world, except maybe people who'll get upset that I do not yet have four good pictures to go at the very end, just wait until I get my very own video capture card.

Bowie's Area...

David Bowie's Area: The Basics

David Bowie's Area exists throughout the entire universe, flowing around and through everything that is, surrounding us perpetually in its crotchful goodness. Soon you will be able to break the limits locked into your senses so that you too can see Bowie's Area bulging all around you and feel it expanding the tights of your life.

If you're capable of reading these words, your visual cortex (like most people's) is blocking out the majority of David Bowie's Area in your visual field. It's good that your brain can do this, or else you'd never be able to see anything other than David Bowie's Area. Dropping these optical filters is an incredible experience, but it's best done for only short periods of time. First you have to make yourself more aware of the crotch you live within, to be able to sense some of its lesser manifestations without overwhelming yourself.

Step One: Watch the movie Labyrinth. On the big screen if you get the chance. Pay extra-special attention to the "Dance, Magic Dance" scene and the part right after the oubliette, where Hoggle gives Jareth head. The camera seems magically drawn to David Bowie's Area. There are even scenes when the bulge in Jareth's tights is the only thing that's fully in focus. Repeated viewings of Labyrinth will help aclimatize you with Bowie's Area.

Step Two: Watch Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. This is a concert film of David Bowie's Area's final show as Its stage persona Ziggy Stardust. Almost every single costume David Bowie wears in Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars seems to be specificly designed to maximize the visibility and bulginess of his groinal region. (It's because they WERE!)
David Bowie has had many stage personas over the years. Ziggy Stardust is one of his best loved personalities and featured his crotch far more prominently than most. Coincidence? We don't think so.

Step Three: By now you should be quite familiar with the appearance of the primary visual manifestation of David Bowie's Area. You're willing to accept that Bowie's Area is vast, bulging, and featured prominently, but you still may not have faced the Truth of David Bowie's Area's place in, outside of, and around, the universe. The next three steps must be done in rapid succession. Make sure you set aside at least four hours of your day for steps Four, Five, and Six, and that you have both movies Labyrinth and The Man Who Fell to Earth ready and queued up to the beginnings of the actual films (no trailers, if you value your soul). Ready? If you've got both tapes/DVDs/whatever set to the start of the movies, move on to the next step.

Step Four: Watch The Man Who Fell to Earth. Try to understand it. The storytelling style is a stark contrast to most movies, with little dialogue and lots of poignant visuals. Attempt to figure out what David Bowie's character is thinking in each scene. This is, in many ways, like the firewalking, starvation, endurance, and ritual scarification of some religions' and cultures' initiation rites. I fully expect that not all of you will survive.
As soon as your mind is fully stretched out like a piece of crotch-lycra by The Man Who Fell to Earth go to step five! Quick, don't wait for the credits or rewind the tape! Hurry!

Step Five: Labyrinth! Start up Labyrinth the instant the other movie's over! Not only will the cuddly goblins and silliness calm your throbbing skull, but you'll be able to see the movie in a whole new light. Now that Ziggy Stardust and The Man Who Fell to Earth have gotten you more intimately acquainted with David Bowie's Area the mysterious bulge in Bowie's tights will throb out at you throughout the movie and you may not be able to notice much else untill it's over. While watching Labyrinth this time, pay attention to the colors of the tights embracing David Bowie's bulge. Make a little mental list of the different colors of tights David Bowie wears.

Step Six: Go outside. With pleasant thoughts of goblins and mazes and talking doors and Goblin Kings and big hair and Ambrosious in your head take a deep breath of fresh air. Think about what a fun and silly movie Labyrinth is (if you still can) and bring your mental list of tights-colors to mind. Picture those different colors in your mind.
Now look up at the sky.

What do you SEE?

Light blue? Fuzzy/Fluffy white? Grey? Black with white sparkles?
Take your newfound enlightenment and go back to the David Bowie's Area Webpage.