David Bowie's Area FAQ

Here are answers to questions many people have been asking us about David Bowie's area, this webpage, and related topics. Questions are listed more or less in the order they were asked, if you care.

Are you some kind of insane deranged sicko looney pervert?
Seems that way.

Did you escape from a mental institution?

No, thus far I've managed to avoid prosecution.

Who would win: David Bowie's area or the Force?

The Force is fictional, and exists only in the Star Wars universe. David Bowie's area is very, VERY real.

Was David Bowie's area involved in the JFK assassination?

This is still uncertain, but there have been various theories. It has been proven that the Area's "short and curlies" can cause a projectile to erratically change direction as in the Magic Bullet theory. Another hypothesis is that it wasn't actually a bullet that punctured Kennedy's head. This is known as the "Lone Sperm" theory.

Does David Bowie know about this webpage?

I don't think so. We've had no contact from him or any of his representatives. His area was, of course, present during the webpage's creation, but we doubt it noticed, due to all of the other things it was also present at.

Are you going to get sued when he finds out?

I hope not.

Is David Bowie's area sentient?

We don't think so, but it does respond to stimuli, just like anyone else's area.

So I can give David Bowie a handjob by waving my arms around? Does it hurt him if I start a bonfire?

Yes and yes. Thus the area is always writhing in simultaneous torment and ecstacy.

That's disgusting.

That's not a question, but yes, it is.

I think I'm going to throw up!

Try not to get any on your computer.

Alright, I think I'm going to be okay now. Can I ask some more questions?

That's what I'm here for.

Here's a question that's actually been e-mailed in by viewers of the page:
That's different.

Tell me about it. The question is: Did David Bowie stuff his tights or use any kind of "Stunt Package" in the filming of Labyrinth?
Personally, I find the mere suggestion of any such thing blasphemous. However, I recognize that many of you may be going through denial due to the sudden realization of the sheer insignificance of your existance compared to David Bowie's Area.

Answer the question.
I was getting to that. Anyway, to judge for yourself, watch Labyrinth one more time, and stare at Jareth's tights every chance you get until you think you have a really good feel for David Bowie's package. Than watch "The Man Who Fell to Earth." About three fourths of the way through you will be confronted with the concentrated physical manifestion of David Bowie's area in such a way as to eliminate any chance of movie trickery.

For the first half of "The Man Who Fell to Earth" David Bowie's area doesn't seem to be present at all, what gives?
During most of the filming, the Area was present only minimally and in the background due to "artistic differences." This lack of unity accounts for the movie's confusing, disjointed feel.

If David Bowie's area exists at every point in the universe, why does it make a bulge in his tights? Doesn't the bulge mean his area is inside the tights and not outside of them?
It's actually a matter of area pressure differential, much like the air pressure differential which causes a balloon to inflate. Inside of the tights the Area is denser (greater Area per Unit Volume) than outside the tights, due to the proximity of the source. Thus the tights are stretched outward, despite David Bowie's area being on both sides of them.

This is getting pretty weird.
Getting weird? Where have you been?

Well then here's another one that was actually e`mailed to us: Does the earth revolve around David Bowie's area?
In a certain sense, yes. David Bowie's area is present at the center point of the earth's revolutions.
In a much larger sense and more accurate sense, no. David Bowie's area is also present at every other point in the universe, therefore the Area is not bounded by the path of the earth's revolution.
It would be best to say that the earth revolves within David Bowie's area.

Earlier you implied that the sky was blue when Bowie wore blue tights and cloudy grey when he wore grey tights. If this is the case what does partly cloudy blue sky mean?
That means that David Bowie's blue tights have splotchy white stains on them.
Try not to think about it too hard.

If David Bowie's area is omnipresent, why can't I see it right now?
You're either using a text-based browser ( Download Netscape) or you have your backgrounds turned off. Go to "General Preferences" under the Options menu and make sure the "Always use my colors, overriding document" button isn't checked.

No, I didn't mean why isn't it on my computer. I meant when I'm looking at, let's say a wall, I don't see David Bowie's area or any other part of his anatomy. Why not?
Oh, that's simple: You do, you just may not realize it. Due to the fact that David Bowie's area has been in your visual field since the day you were born, your brain has learned to filter out such casual Area viewing. (like background radiation) Most people only consciously see David Bowie's area when they actually see David Bowie himself, because that's the only time their brain can cope with seeing his area without going insane. The rest of the time just think of it as always being in your blind spot. It's been theorized that people are born blind because their optic nerves lack the ability to filter David Bowie's area out of the visual field before the brain translates nerve impulses into an image, and so for some the experience of sight is too traumatic to be continued.
It is also possible that you are looking right at David Bowie's area, just much too closely for you to reecognize it.

Is it my imagination, or are the answers getting longer as the faq progresses?
I don't think it's your imagination.

Why are they getting longer?
Whenever an area of inquiry is opened the first questions that need answering are the simplest ones. Later, after a basic level of understanding is obtained, more complicated thoughts come to mind.
That, and our webmaster is lazy and there was more for him to do when the page first started.

The page frequently says things like "we" and "our research staff", just how many people really are involved in this orginization?
The main research staff consists of four "Areaologists" (this is a relatively new, and very specified field), a biologist, two anthropologists, three philosophers, a theoretical physicist, and a palaentologist.
The support staff consists of eight research assistants, three interns, twenty-three phone-answering monkeys, one webmaster, Four Hundred and seventy-eight psychiatrists, and a trained penguin with a little penguin backpack.
We're accepting applications for a masseuse.

So it's not just one socially inept college student, devoid of anything resembling a life or a girlfriend, sitting up all night at his computer making up all this ridiculus crap in the vain hopes that humor will make people suffer his company?
ummmm... No.

Really? You don't sound too sure about that.
Yes, I mean, er, that the answer is still no... uh... YES I'M SURE. besides, I'm actually quite ept. and just because I don't drink till I pass out every weekend doesn't mean I don't don't have a life. And-

You're being defensive.
No I'm not! It's... it- Just GO AWAY! You've got me all flustered. Just leave me alone now. I mean, really now, look at what you said... It's horrible. "suffer his company?" That's just cruel.

So, in other words, I'm right.
WHY MUST YOU PERSECUTE ME?!? Leave me alone, damnit! I was FINE before you started this! Why couldn't you have just let me be happy? People thought it was funny. They told me so... I was happy...

Whoa. I'm sorry, man. I didn't realize you'd take it so hard. How about if I just ask a different question?
shut up.

Hey, c'mon. It's okay, we'll change the subject. You'll be okay.
go away.

What else are we gonna do? I'm here to ask questions and you're here to answer them. It's our purpose in life.
...

Don't be like that. C'mon, nobody can answer questions like you do.
Flattery will get you a kick in the teeth.

I SAID I was sorry.
Piss Off.

Will you answer questions if I give you an ice-sucky?
Icee(tm) brand chilled carbonated beverage?

None other.
Purple?

3-2 red-blue, just the way you like it.
gimme.

Here ya go.
Mmmmm... I'm okay now. Do you think the webmaster can edit that bad part out?

Of course he will, pyre's not at all a lazy bastard.
That's good. I'd hate for the public to see me like that.

Now then, I can understand why you'd need four hundred and seventy-eight psychiatrists, but why twenty-three phone-answering monkeys? How many phones do you have?
Just one. But at any given time some of the phone-answering monkeys are busy picking parasites off each other, eating, swinging from branches, sleeping, and masturbating in public, so it's necessary to have enough phone-answering monkeys that at least one of them is actually available to answer the phone.

That makes sense, you can never have too many monkeys. But what's the deal with the trained penguin?
Well, he's a penguin and he's got a little penguin-shaped backpack. We put a grocery list and some money in the backpack and he waddles down to the corner store and picks up our snacks. (Well, actually the people at the store put the stuff on the list in his backpack, take the money, and give him a fishy.) Then he waddles back to us with his little penguin backpack full of Doritoes, Surge and Pez.

That sounds so cute! Can I see the penguin?
No. Today's his day off.

Oh, that's right. Since the whole penguin thing was in with the imaginary staff I guess you don't really have a trained penguin either.
I do have a penguin! He's just on vacation, that's all. He's in Colorado, skiing.

Yeah, sure. So what you're saying here is you don't really have a penguin?
I do have a... I ... I-
OF COURSE I DON'T HAVE A BLOODY PENGUIN! If I HAD a cute little trained penguin with a cute little penguin-shaped backpack I wouldn't be wasting time talking to YOU now would I?!? No, I'd be out being cool and having a great time with everyone who thought my penguin was the coolest thing they'd ever seen!

I think I'm sensing some bitterness here.
I hate you.




It's six months later, are you still mad at me?
No, not anymore.

Than why haven't you updated this faq in so long? Especially since two weeks ago you told a lot of people it would be updated soon?
The first long stretch I wasn't working much on this site, persueing other interests. When I started again I updated just about everything other then the faq. Then another break from the webpage. And then, just when I was going to update the faq and was telling everyone I would, my computer broke. I lost a whole hard drive, which has set me behind schedule a bit. It also made me lose the mailing list. Click here if you were on the mailing list.

Well here's a question that was sent to us in the interim: What would happen if David Bowie took Viagra?
We'd all die.

Really?
Yes. It is the opinion of our best areaologists that every cell in our bodies would instantaneously be ripped to pieces and crushed while the earth was torn asunder and space-time collapsed in on itself.

How did they arrive at this conclusion?
Speculation and Theory. While it is possible that our universe would actually be safe as David Bowie's Area expanded extra-dimensionally, we feel that this matter is far too grave to risk experimental tests.

What do you know about the rumors that David Bowie is going to play Elrond, the Elven King in an upcoming Lord of the Rings movie?
Not much. The Internet Movie Database does list this movie as being in pre-production, but doesn't include cast lists. We think it's very fitting that Bowie play Elrond. We'd also heard a rumor that Sean Connery may be cast as Gandalf.

We've been getting this question a lot lately: Are you gay?
That depends. If you're a beautiful woman who thinks that "converting" gay men is an exciting challenge, or something like that, then the answer is Yes, I'm gayer than a stack of strawberry pancakes.

Nobody's actually asked this yet, but we're pretty sure some people are wondering it, or will be before long: "I mailed you some little jokes like the ones in that big paragragh of Bowie's Area is... sentences, but they're not on the webpage. Why not?"
There are two possible explanations for that. The first is that I got your mail relatively recently and have been waiting to put your ideas in when I update something else on the page, as I tend to update in clusters.
The other explanation is that your suggestions are insanely unfunny and will never be seen on this or any other self-respecting website.

That was a little harsh, wasn't it?
Yes, but neccessary. I'm sorry. I appreciate the fanmail and I don't want to discourage contributions, because we've gotten a lot of good stuff that way, but I've gotten some pretty annoying stuff too.

Why "David Bowie's AREA"? Why not "crotch," "package," or "schlong"?
There are myriad reasons for our careful selection of the term "Area." It best met the Institute's criteria for providing a complete and accurate delineation of what portions of David Bowie's anatomy was being discussed while allowing the discussion itself to remain mature and civilized, as the Institute's interest in Bowie's Area was of an existential, rather than sexual, nature.

Really? That much thought went into the decision?"
No, actually it just has a nice ring to it.

Where can I go to order music on-line?
All of David Bowie's CDs are available at Soundstone.com, as well as your other favorite artists.

Was that a shameless plug?
welllll... Yes.

Do you have anything to say for yourself?
If you had a chance to get money from making existential genital jokes, you'd have shameless plugs too.

When are the things listed under "Coming Soon" going to get posted?
Good question. "Soon" in this sense is a relative term. It's along the lines of "I'm going to study for my finals soon." and "The webpage updates will occur sooner than the gravitational collapse of the solar system."

So, it'll take something like one year, two months, and seven days to update this FAQ?
Seeing as how it now happens to be one year, two months, and seven days since that last question was posted, yes. I'd say that's a fairly accurate estimation.

But other than that one self-referential FAQ question has pyre actually posted anything new?
Well, that gap of over a year we were talking about was just between FAQ updates, it wasn't like there was nothing new added in the meantime, like the reference contest and the message board.

You're being defensive. Was there anything else actually added in THIS update?
Why yes! There's the David Bowie's Area purity test!! It's just like a normal purity test but with 98% more David Bowie's Area! Much more Area than the next leading brand!

Knock it off. Back to real questions:What happens when Bowie dies? Does his Area live on, or must there be a new area? If so, whose Area was replaced by Bowie's?
Alright: There's a lot of different theories as to the nature of the Area before and after what would be considered David Bowie's "normal" life span. We've hade a lot of questions about this subject, so we're going to dedicate a seperate page to the theories, but we can tell you this: It's hard to keep track of details before the DBA Institute began chronicalling Area related phenomena because you have to rely on third-hand accounts and speculation, and it's hard to be certain about the future because quite a bit of it hasn't happened yet.
You see, in terms of what a non-Bowie's-Area consciousness can Know the past and future fan out from either side of the present like a bow. But let's just say that we all know exactly what that bow is tied around.

Can you rephrase that answer in layman's terms?
Bowie's Area transcends human concepts of time. It always has been and always will be. Whether this also applies to David Bowie himself is debatable.

Now can you make a song reference out of that bow/ribbon metaphor?
Sure. "Ogh! Lad, I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"
--"The Scotsman" by Bryan Bowers

Impressive. Speaking of which, does David Bowie realize the power of his Area?
We're not really sure. He hasn't told us one way or the other. The prevailing school of thought is that he must have realized there's Something special about it, because just look at his Ziggy Stardust days.

That's not a very good answer, is it?
It's the best one you're getting.

Okay then, how about this: Since David Bowie has a child we know the Area is fertile. Could this be the explanation for Jesus's immaculate conception? Could Bowie's Area have impregnated the virgin Mary without her realizing it?
Yeah, obviously! I mean, come on, people! Apply Occam's Razor to the situation: Impregnation by Bowie's Area is clearly the most logical explanation to the "virgin birth" phenomenon. It was either that or aliens abducted Mary to impregnate her with a human/alien hybrid, or she jumped Joseph's bones before they were married and was too ashamed to admit it, or the Judeo-Christion God described in the Bible exists! How much more evidence could you possibly want?

That ought to stir up some controversy.
Yep. "And now some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors."

Speaking of which, are you ever going to put up any screen captures from The Man Who Fell to Earth or any other pictures you might have where the Area is *ahem* not so much bulging as dangling?
Aren't you the naughty one? Not anytime soon anyway, because at our current location that would be considered "pornographic" and "inappropriate," which are both words I'm going to have to look up in a "dictionary" one of these days. But we are currently looking around for new server space anyway, so who knows what the future holds?

Is it possible to speak directly with the Area, by use of advanced meditative techniques, or tools such as the Quija Board?
I wouldn't necessarily call it speaking directly, but we highly recommend meditating upon the omnipresense of David Bowie's Area. It may only provide clarity of mind, but that helps one guide oneself. As for Quija boards, while this subject has not yet been researched, the movement of the Quija lens my very well be caused by minute fluctuations in Bowie's Area. Whether or not this is actually the case probably varies from one Quija board to another, so you should just ask the board if it's being influenced by David Bowie's Area.

Is it going to be another mind-numbingly long time between updates now?
I certainly hope not. We have a lot of ideas to research and publish, so hopefully we'll get back into a more regular schedule of one or two updates a month again.

BAHAHAHAA!!! Again?? When did pyre ever update that often?
Okay, you got me. Jerk.

Wait a minute, something looks different now?
Yeah, it's the new background. And there's a pretty linkbar thingy over to the left, too.

So what's up with the banners at the top of all these pages?
Those are brought to you by our good friends at TerraShare.com, an online community that benefits its members, hosted websites and everyone who sees the page! We here at the DBA Webpage felt honoured to be able to join such an exciting hosting service and wanted to share the wonderous TerraShare experience with all of our readers.

That's amazingly noble. Are you serious?
No. I needed new hosting space so I went with one that didn't have any of those thrice-cursed pop-ups and would actually pay me a little bit for the unavoidable banner ads. So there.

Why did you need new hosting space? What happened with the ISU servers?
My webpage was about to be removed from the university's server due to their unjust censorship, dictatorian administrative policies, and out and out malice!

Uh-huh. And what led to this?
Ummmm... pyre left college to pursue a lucrative career in unemployment.

It figures. So with all this new layout and design why isn't there a nice question outline at the top of the FAQ so people can click on the question they want answered and get skipped down to the appropriate answer like most FAQs?
Take a look at this FAQ, genius. That wouldn't work very well, would it?

No.
Shouldn't you have asked a question there, after you said no?

Yeah, sorry.
This is all messed up now. What happened?

You're asking questions and I'm answering them! This is all wrong.
How are we going to fix it?

Let's just swear a lot and punch each other.
Shitpissfuckcuntcocksuckermotherfuckertits! Take THAT and THAT!

OW! Nimbus! You BASTION! Dinghy! How's your spine feel NOW, you masticater?! Polydactylist!
Unngh! Don't make me have to kill you, FAQ-boy!

Did that work?
Yes, as usual obscenities and violence has solved all problems.

Is this the first question in the FAQ after the massive four and a half year gap of no updates?
Yes.

Is this going to turn into one of those FAQs where way more information is imparted in the questions than in the answers?
Apparently.

So what was up with that whole time where the site never got updated?
There's a whole page just about that now, read it.

Wow, did Bowie really say Well, somebody did make an entire website dedicated to my "Area." in an interview?
That or something incredibly similiar to that. Those may not be the exact words, because the DBA Institute's transcript of the online interview was lost in the many massive data implosions that rocked our mainframes in the chaotic times that followed.

Massive data implosions?
Ok, reinstalling Windows, mostly.

Why are there so many questions early in the FAQ that are obviously outdated, like does Bowie know about the site or the one about the "upcoming" Lord of the Rings movie?
Because we've never updated or removed them.

That's obvious, but I meant WHY haven't they been updated or removed?
Oh. Well if that's what you meant you should have asked that.

Well I'm asking it now, aren't I?
No, now you're just being difficult.

FINE. Why haven't the outdated questions with answers that are now incorrect been updated or removed?
Because they're funny.

But isn't the point of a FAQ to inform and educate people, not just to make stupid jokes at an attempt for cheap humor?
Good one!

What do you mean?
It's obvious that you haven't read the FAQ.

Ok, if we're doing humor shouldn't your last line have been "Have you even READ the FAQ?"
No, I'm the Answer Guy. You're the Question Guy. We've already done the mixing-them-up routine.

Couldn't we have made it a running gag?
No, but we could have made it retarded.

Are you always this negative about other people's suggestions?
Pretty much, yeah.

Can we get back on task here?
Please do.

So now that pyre's finally updated the site again, will it be updated on a more regular schedule?
I am sooooooo not going to comment on that.

Was the massiveness of David Bowie's Area in any way responsible for the massive tsunami of December 2005?
While David Bowie's Area is definately capable of causing earthquakes in excess of 8.9 on the richter scale and producing enormous waves of water travelling 500 mph, it could not have had anything whatsoever to do with that terrible tragedy. David Bowie's Area is not a source of destruction, but rather of pure, blissful love. We hope that the survivors and families of the victims can find new lives and new hope within the warm, and often sweaty, embrace of Bowie's Area.

How would the Area cause earthquakes and 500 mph waves of water?
For the earthquakes there is a lot of thrusting involved. As for the waves, that's not exactly water, actually. But it is a fluid, and has been known to gush forth in 20- to 50-foot waves at speeds around 500 mph, typically shortly after the thrusting.

Oh my. Is there anything that you can't turn all disgusting and sexual?
I can't turn your mom all disgusting and sexual. Oh wait... Yes I can.

That was just stupid. Could you be any more childish?
Yes. LOOK AT ME, I'M THE QUESTION-GUY! DURRR! I'M ALL IN RETARDED BOLD TEXT AND I USE INTERROGATIVE SENTENCES BECAUSE I'M SOOOO LAME!