R & D Department

(Research & Depravity)

Every so often the research department here at the David Bowie's Area Instute comes across something that remains unexplainable for some time, or that may in fact be just a small part of a much larger picture. This page is devoted to exposing the public to all of our current areas of research, as well as incomplete projects that were cancelled to due to deadends, budget cuts, or researcher insanity or suicide.

While clipping coupons the other day in search of a good deal on spandex one of our Areaologists came across an advertisement for a Super Savers Club Card which included the promise that you could use the card to "Save Money at Dozens of Local Area Merchants!!" We were naturally curious about this, because the term "Local Area Merchants" can obviously refer to nothing other than Prostitutes.
We immediately obtained one of these Super Savers Club Cards for own of our prominent Areaologists and sent him downtown, to the club districts, the docks, crack row, and other places we knew he'd find these "Local Area Merchants" to see what kind of savings he would receive with his Super Savers Club Card.
Current Status: Prostitution fans hoping for big savings from Local Area Merchants should ONLY purchase a Super Savers Club Card if they are into sadism/masochism, because when our Areaologist presented his SSC Card to various Local Area Merchants the only special any of them offered was slapping him in the face as soon as he suggested a Super Savers discount, instead of charging him five dollers like they normally do.

There are two profound mentions of David Bowie on the shrine to old video games, fruit pies, and latex that is Seanbaby.com. The first one our researchers found was on Seanbaby's Reader Mail page, in a description of Torrie Wilson, actress and model who appears on the page:

I chose her to be the celebrity representative of the page since she and her award winning body went to high school with my girlfriend, and unless you're David Bowie, she's sexier than you.

Such acknowledgement of David Bowie as the pinnacle of sexiness is the kind of scampish wisdom that's made Seanbaby the internet darling he is today.
The other, and more areaological, mention of Bowie appears on Seanbaby's page dedicated to his girlfriend, Joyce. From a description of a picture of them:

This is us on our way to a bar we eventually got kicked out of. They had some sort of rule limiting the amount of sequins, body glitter, and glamor a couple can have. But instead of burning it down like I wanted to, Joyce suggested we sneak back in disguised as David Bowie and a muppet. Her plan worked until the sock she had jammed in her tights fell out and our secret was discovered.

Keep in mind that these words are coming from a man whose legions of fans make comics about him featuring, mainly, the size of his penis. Yet he not only mentions how sexy David Bowie is, but also points out the omnipresent bulge in his tights. Intriguing.
Current Status: Fascinated by the two Bowie mentions on Seanbaby's website The DBA Institute's Web Staff (pyre) now spends significant portions of every day scouring Seanbaby.com, searching for more revealing Bowie's Area references and staring at pictures of Seanbaby in tight vinyl pants.

UPDATE: Another reference to David Bowie was in fact found on Seanbaby.com. In the third to last letter of Seanbaby's Reader Mail Archive #1 Seanbaby's response includes the line "Then David Bowie and Catherine Zeta Jones make out while Salma Hayek and Spider-Man sexily undress me and we all reinact dance scene #17 from Breakin! 2 - Electric Boogaloo.
We have no idea what that means, but pyre's search for David Bowie references and Seanbaby's love continues!

Chapter 31 of "So Long and Thanks for All the Fish" by Douglas Adams begins with the following passage:

If you took a couple of David Bowies and stuck one of the David Bowies on top of the other David Bowie, then attached another David Bowie to the end of each of the arms of the upper of the first two David Bowies and wrapped the whole buisiness up in a dirty beach robe you would then have something which didn't exactly look like John Watson, but which those who knew him would find hauntingly familiar.

We found this description to be rather disturbing, before we remembered the nature of the novel it came from. The works of Douglas Adams frequently deal with space travel, time travel, and parallel universes. It raises the question: If multiple universes exist, are there multiple David Bowie's Areas (a shocking thought), or does one David Bowie's Area span them all (a more shocking thought), or are there other dimensions in which David Bowie's Area is not present? (Nah, that one's just ludicrous.)
Another interesting idea is that this gathering of multiple David Bowies in "So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish" warped reality enough to cause the novel to be the FOURTH Book in the Hitchiker's Trilogy.
Current Status: After an exhaustive global search for this "John Watson" we were informed that he is merely a fictional character. We proceeded to call every J. Watson in the phonebook, just in case.

Several engineering students at Iowa State University reported that in their physics and math classes the proffesors use the words "Area" and "Unit" a disturbing amount of time. Several Engineering 161 professors have been very insistant that students "Always remember their units." One physics lab went so far as to say "N is a Unit vector normal to the element of Area."
Could this be a subconsious manifestion of all physicists' knowledge that David Bowie's Area is the heart of existance and the root of all natural laws?
Current Status: Pending Investigation

On the I'm Afraid of Americans single, track #3 is remixed by Trent Reznor with additional singing by Ice Cube. The additional lyrics include, about two thirds of the way through the song, the line "Look who's in your Area" with very definate emphasis on "Area."
Current Status: Both Mr. Reznor and Mr. Cube were unavailable for comment.