Invention Thursday!

I really like the number 23. That has about as much to do with our new feature here, Invention Thursday, as does the fact that it's Thursday. Just something I noticed putting in the date and thought I'd mention. But enough of that, on to the invention!

BREATHALYZER CELLPHONE - Who really gives a crap about having a camera or mp3 player built into your phone when you could have a cellphone that saves your ass from the dumbest and dangerousest thing you can do with a phone: Drunk Dialing. This is an ordinary cellphone with an ordinary breathalyzer built into the audio receiver. No wait, screw that: they're both extra-special high tech, not ordinary! Anyway, when you first get the phone it has you input your gender and sexual preference, or maybe it just calculates those based on what ringtone you pick, whatever. Then as you add contacts to your phone it records the gender for each one. Then you're ready to go!
(For the rest of this example we'll assume you're a straight dude who likes chicks. Why? Because that's the demographic most likely to be Drunk Dialing in the first place.)

Let's say you're out at the bar. You're drunk of your ass, horny, and all of the waitresses have already slapped you. So you get the brilliant idea to call a girl whose number you got a few days ago, or a platonic friend you've always had a thing for, or your friend's girlfriend. You're sure they'll want to meet you and get freaky, because you're a drunken retard. You hit their number and hold the Breathalyzer Cellphone up to your ear... but before it dials it gets a good whiff of the eight different hard liquors coming out of your noise-hole and refuses to let you make the call. Is that awesome or what? Okay, maybe you won't think so right at the moment, but you're a drunken retard. You'll be thanking the Breathalyzer Cellphone in the morning.

But it gets better! What if you're blowing a blood-alchohol level normally reserved for the embalmed and you get the bright idea to call one of your ex-girlfriends to try to sob about how you miss her and hate her and want to get back together and make love all night and remind her that she's a bitch, all in the same call? Well that's when the Breathalyzer Cellphone recognizes the number you're dialing, knows you're way to drunk to handle it, and just calls up a cab company instead.

The Breathalyzer Cellphone: Your best friend.
Friends don't let friends dial drunk!