I need a story today...

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. And then she exploded. Kabooom! The blast killed all of the villagers, and also a pony. A magical pony. Whose untimely death meant that he never met his illegitimate father. Who had also exploded, actually.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… Oh shit! Lawyers! Wrong story! I didn't say anything!
RUN!

It was a stormy night. What? Well of course it was dark, too. It was night! If we have to slow down this story by explaining such basic concepts as "Night is dark" we're never going to get past the first chapter. And now the mood's totally ruined, too.

Once upon a time Dan was standing next to your desk, and he was all "blah blah blah, 409 this, blah blah that. Blah blah blah" Then, umm… he exploded.

Campfire story: Once upon a time, in this very building their lived an evil witch. She lived in the air ducts or something, I guess. And she was stubborn and annoying and stupid! And then she died, so she was an evil stubborn stupid GHOST witch! And she loved to drain people's souls with her stupid stubbornness! And the worst part of all is… She's on the phone RIGHT NOW!!!!

Once upon a time there were a bunch of people who had no place to live. They just traveled around on a starship looking for somewhere they could live. Everywhere they went people said "NO! You can't live here. You suck!" Eventually they got tired of wandering aimlessly in their starship and since there was no place else for them to settle down they built this city. They built this city on rock and roll.

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Emperor Palpatine. He was picked on a lot by the other children. On the playground they would tease him, saying "What're you the Emperor of, stupid?" and "With that hair you look more like a Queen than an Emperor!" It was a pretty tough first name to have, really. Then one day he started going through some mysterious changes. His voice cracked, he started noticing girls more, he got hair in new places, and he started shooting lightning bolts from his hands. So then he fried all those punk jackasses but good. Later he met a guy named George and became a movie star.