I'm So Drunk...

I'm so drunk that a 15 year old smelled my breath and I got arrested for providing to minors.

I'm so drunk that if you put a wick in my mouth I'd burn for six weeks.

I'm so drunk that I thought Martha Stewart was hot, but it turned out to be Jimmy Stewart I was putting the moves on.

I'm so drunk that my liver went on strike and is demanding hazard pay.

I'm so drunk that when the bar closed they set me on the shelf with the other bottles.

I'm so drunk that when somebody asked for my car keys I didn't mind that I'd never seen the guy before in my life.

I'm so drunk that I just vomited my leg into the bushes.

I'm so drunk the pink elephants are staging an intervention.

I'm so drunk that when the sidewalk told me to stop laying on it, I called its mother a whore.

I'm so drunk that the vodka forgot how much of me it drank.

I'm so drunk when the cop pulled me over I asked him for a long island and a round of shots for the car, on me.

I'm so drunk that I spilled drinks that weren't even poured yet.

I'm so drunk that after I went to the bathroom even the urinal's speech was slurred.

I'm so drunk when the girl's boyfriend showed up to chase me off I hit on him, too.

I'm so drunk this whole gag seemed like a good idea at some point.