pyre's dieting secrets

Many people have asked me how I keep my girlish, twiglike, emaciated figure. Well let me tell you, it isn't easy. Oh wait, yes it is. Because I've tried a lot of different diets over the years, from crazy fad diets to loony craze diets, and they've all worked. So here are a few of my favorite ways to ensure that vinyl miniskirt still fits!

The Civilization Diet - This is a long-time favorite mealplan of mine. It involves playing a highly addictive turn-based strategy game every waking hour of the day. It's easy to watch your calorie intake during a good game of Civ, because you'll totally forget to eat!
Excercise program: Mouse Aerobics, Just One More Turn Muttering

The Lazy Chef Diet - On this diet, you're not allowed to purchase any foods that are microwavable or consist of frozen pizza or pizza-like foods. Ideal for the bachelor or college student away from home for the first time. Once you have to actually cook food for yourself, you'll stop eating so many big, heavy, complicated meals. Heck, you may even starve!
Excercise program: Stirring, Head-Scratches

The Bacon Diet - According to Atkins, this might actually work! What a great excuse to eat nothing but bacon all day. You know, for those of you who felt like you actually needed an excuse.
Excercise program: Who cares?

The Hummingbird Diet - This is the diet where you keep your metabolism high and you can eat whatever you want! Provided that whatever you want to eat is sugary candy and caffinated soda. By avoiding foods that slow you down and take a long time to digest into energy, like fats, carbohydrates, proteins, or food, you have high energy levels and no weight gain.
Excercise program: 300-meter Twitch

The OTHER Hummingbird Diet - This is the diet where you keep your metabolism up by eating hummingbirds.
Excercise program: Hummingbird-catching Sprints