It is a common misconception that Headmonkey fills some form of leadership role among our many monkeys, and this is fueled by the fact that he was one of the first monkeys to join Areaology.com. However, Headmonkey's actual role is that of a hat, as he sits jauntily on one's head.
Shirtmonkey has been given the task of flinging t-shirts in the general direction of the post office, on the rare occasion that one is actually ordered. Hint, hint.
Kipmonkey the Ginormous
Shown here next to an average residential house to illustrate scale. Kipmonkey serves Areaology.com as a bodyguard, enforcer, and occasional lounge chair.
Fractalmonkey sits on Fractalmonkey's shoulder, and on Fractalmonkey's shoulder sits Fractalmonkey. Fractalmonkey is more fractal than Fractalmonkey but not as fractured as Fractalmonkey. On and on, eternal infintesimal Fractalmonkey is in charge of Areaology.com's graphical upkeep at every level. Fractalmonkey arranges the pictures on the page, the pixels in the picture, and the photons in the picture. Should Fractalmonkey actually be plural? No.
Stumpy B. Round
The "B" stands for "Ballistic!" Stumpy is our resident explosives expert and projectile. (Not expert, just projectile.) He reviews videogames for us and a certain other gaming/humor site which has long since gone to the great internet graveyard. Stumpy's also kind of a jerk.
Lazymonkey the Pillow
Lazymonkey is one of the spiritual leaders we have on staff here at Areaology.com. His duties include leading us in group meditation, silent contemplation, introspective stillness, and naptime. Lazymonkey is also my off-site administrative assistant when attending lengthy diplomatic meetings, important lectures, extended family reunions, and church.
Gleemonkey the Medicated
Gleemonkey cheerfully fulfils his happy duty of testing all the medication that the Areaologists get prescribed by their anxious psychiatrists, as well as any unusual pills that arrive with the fanmail (as opposed to the usual ones). Gleemonkey enjoys his work, particularly since discovering the right ratio of prozac, ritalin, and exctasy to keeps him smiling 24/7.
Sockmonkey the Elder
Sockmonkey the Elder is an important living relic, a vital talisman of days long gone by. Sockmonkey is the Keeper of Ancestry, the Recorder or Ashes, and the Herald of Memory. Sockmonkey the Elder knits the tangled skein that keeps me linked to humanity at large, intermeshed with the race from which I was born.
Sockmonkey the Younger
Sockmonkey the Younger is a trampy little hussy, galavanting about in her whore's-red lipstick and flirty hat. She has no real responsibilities around here unless you count parading herself around the place like some king of two-bit floozy. She worries us all sick every night, I tell you.
Bluemonkey the Mysterious
I just don't know. When we moved headquarters this monkey showed up, and nobody seems to really know where he came from, what he does all day, or why he's on the payroll. When asked about Bluemonkey, most of the other monkeys either nod slyly, shrug in disinterest, or pelt me with feces.
Fluffmonkey the Mallow
Fluffmonkey is one of the typer monkeys who transcribe my ramblings into HTML so they can be posted here for your enjoyment (or not). His soft, pudgy little hands are not very good at hitting the correct keys, particularly at pressing only one key at a time. As such, this monkey's typing tasks remain limited to pressing the spacebar only. That may not seem like a big deal, but every single space on this page, like this one and that one and those just there, was diligently typed by none other than Fluffmonkey the Mallow. Sometimeshegetslittlevacationsthough.
Deathmonkey the Stateman
This monkey is a harbinger of DOOM. He stares at me. Deep in his eyes I see he possesses knowledge of the hour and means of my death. Watching, forever watching with his lopsided smirk he portends destruction and loss for all who meet his infernal gaze. He also has a little bowtie, for formal affairs.
Rabbitmonkey the Bunny
Rabbitmonkey is, oddly enough, in charge of our Wardrobe. He's also barking mad. These two facts, when combined, explain an awful lot if you really think about it. Rabbitmonkey also has a very special job on a particular holiday which is obviously near and dear to his heart. That one special day of the year, Rabbitmonkey poops in eggshells and throws them at people's cars on the interstate. And that's why we don't drive anywhere on President's Day.
Tanmonkey the Reproductive
Description needed.
Drunkmonkey is, as some of you may have guessed, one of the typing monkeys here at Areaology.com. He's also Keeper of the Liquor Cabinet. Except that we don't have a cabinet. Which means he just keeps it. Which means we usually don't have any liquor, either. Because he drank it all. Bringing us back around to his name. Get it?
Voguemonkey the Flung
Everyone needs an official fashion-monkey, and Voguemonkey is ours. Her duty is to keep up on all the latest fashion trends coming out of Paris, Milan, New York, and wherever the hell else fashion comes from these days. When Voguemonkey has identified a hot new style she comes to report it to us immediately, and we promptly fling her across the room before she can get a word out about trends and fashions and all that crap. Voguemonkey typically lands in a striking pose.
Loungemonkey the Floppy
Loungemonkey serves Areaology.com in a headquarters support role, acting as personal assistant to the entertainment center. He reaches behind it to change plugs and such with his long, floppy arms as needed, organizes the DVDs, carries messages between the various generations of Nintendo consoles when they aren't speaking to each other, and whispers sweet nothings to the beautiful widescreen television. Loungemonkey also relays the televisions demands to the rest of the staff, so that proper sacrifices of coaxial cable and bonus features can be made as necessary. He also uses his romantic poetry and overall suaveness to talk the entertainment center down when it tries to assimilate the rest of the apartment, which is something like 2 or 3 times a week, lately.
Rugmonkey the Possibly Deceased
Could somebody come over here and take a look at Rugmonkey? No seriously, I think this monkey might have died on us. He's really flat and starting to stink. Um, stink in a different way than the other monkeys, that is. Based on this evidence, Rugmonkey has either passed away or maybe he's some sort of cross between a monkey and a flounder. And we all know there's no good way to get rid of dead monkeys. You can't burn them, flush them, freeze them... well, you all know the story. Here at Areaology.com Rugmonkey is in charge of, uh, being dead I guess.
Guardmonkey the Unyielding
Guardmonkey is the doormonkey at Areaology.com's Official Secret Lair. He keeps all the ruffians, tourists, and lunatics out of our headquarters. (Not to mention keeping all the hooligans, moochers, and maniacs in.) He fulfills all the big, tough, taciturn, sullen but lovable brute stereotypes as needed, with the one exception that if you do anything cutesy to try to get him to show his warm, softer side he shatters your skull like a lightbulb and flosses his teeth with your spinal cord. Guardmonkey cannot be moved, physically or emotionally.
Nutmonkey of Coco
Nutmonkey of Coco is our Travel Agent and, when needed, Translator. He schedules our superfluous business trips to ridiculously exotic locations, and that provides him with a pretty heavy workload. Originally from Hawaii, Nutmonkey is naturally adept at stringing together insane amounts of nonsense syllables and pretending that they mean something. What a nut, this one!
Smirkmonkey the Buttugly
Never look a gift monkey in the mouth. Especially if it has as ugly a mouth as Smirkmonkey. This monkey's main job at Areaology.com is to make the rest of us look pretty. Sometimes he also frightens away the roaches.
Staremonkey the Fancy
Staremonkey the Fancy serves as our Chinese Interpreter, Glam Sparkle Fashion Designer, and laser drill. Because his eyes bore through your face exposing all the secrets deep within your brain and penetrating your very soul!!! Staremonkey is also useful to have around as the answer to pickup lines in an asian disco, because if you're Chinese he just might be your sign. Eye-lasers! Zap! Zap!
Description needed.
Paintedmonkey the Plausible
Paintedmonkey claims to be modeled after a specific species of monkey in the Amazon, and yet is black, grey, red, and bright yellow. Well, we totally buy that. Seems like a perfectly legitimate and trustworthy monkey right there, and we're all sure that there's a sensible reason for this breed of monkey to have a ruby-red tail. Why not?
Paintedmonkey the Plausible is also the webpage's resident insurance salesmonkey.
Orangmonkey the Accurate
Orangmonkey is a divinatory orangutang from the Delphi valley of Borneo. Orangmonkey the Accurate can mystically determine the true answer to any question put to him, although following his predictions can sometimes lead to ironic, melodramatic, and heavily forshadowed doom. As such, an intricate system of rules about consulting Orangmonkey the Accurate has developed over the generations, so that now the only question that can be put before him is "What's in the fridge?"
Gun D. Monkey
Gun D. Monkey has a Ph.D. in Child Psychology, an Ed.D. in Linguistics, and several other letters' worth of disorderly conduct charges and sexual harrassment complaints. He is the author of several self-help books, including Overcoming Your Illiteracy, the ever-popular The Pop-up Book of Obscene Gestures, and of course his two NYT Best-sellers: How to Buy My Books in Eight Easy Steps and Just What the Fuck is your Problem, Anyway? All of us here at Areaology.com feel honored to have Gun D. Monkey sporadically grace our pages with his simply delightful Language Corner columns: One, Two, Remedial, Three, and the Swearing Special.
Beardmonkey the Amish
Wait, what? Can somebody tell me what we're doing with an amish monkey on this team? We're trying to run a dot-com here, guys. That's sort of a technology-based enterprise last time I looked. We're not plowing fields. Anyone care to explain this? No? Okay, I guess Beardmonkey here churns all our butter, or something. Hell if I know.
Pimpmonkey the Red
Pimpmonkey the Red learned his ho management skills in the 70s living on the mean streets of Borneo. These days he uses his impressive skills of backhanding bitches, drugging up teenage runaways, grooming a stable of slutty chicks for discerning horny gentlemen, and all-around being degrading to women in his new job of dealing with the obsessive fanmail we receive regarding the David Bowie's Area website. Pimpmonkey can turn out a DBA groupie like nobody's business. He is also a viking.
Funkmonkey Tripmaster Starshine
Funkmonkey Tripmaster Starshine is, obviously, our resident hippie. He's Chief Librarian of the Catalogue of Psychedelia, Official Recorder of the Royal Hallucinations, and Provider of Filthy Hippie Treehugger Pinko Viewpoints. In short, he does everything CJ did except for listen to Pink Floyd constantly. He'd also be in charge of all of our illegal hallucinigenic drugs if we had any, which we totally don't. We come up with this shit on our own, while sober. That's entirely more freaky, if you think about it.
Chimpmonkey the Standard
Chimpmonkey is not the most interesting monkey around, and that's pretty much his job here. Many of our staffmonkeys get pretty strange and occassionally even a little unmonkeylike. Chimpmonkey's task is to remind everyone what a basic monkey sort of monkey is all about. Chimpmonkey is all about keeping it real, except without any of the gangsta in the hood connotations normally associated with that phrase. Chimpmonkey is one of your basic units of monkeyness. The framework from which other monkeys may be judged.
Groovemonkey the Vinyl
Groovemonkey gets his name from his role as official house DJ at Areaology.com parties, mixers, and board meetings. He spins the phat beats for all the monkeys to get funky with and dance all night. Also, he bookmarks latex-fetish websites for me.
Longmonkey the Tall
Longmonkey's primary task involves NOT taking things off of high shelves that the smaller monkeys ask him to reach for them. I put those things on shelves out of little monkey reach for a reason, damnit! A monkey of drab and uninteresting constitution as well as duties, Longmonkey somehow sired Vertmonkey the Daring, one of the more reckless young simians on the payroll. We're unsure who the mother was, however, as the maternity tests have not yet returned from the lab.
Squidmonkey the Nefarious
Squidmonkey the Nefarious is Areaology.com's resident pirate. He protects our offices from enemy sailing ships and the horrid monsters of the briny deep, as well as from other pirates. Seeing as how our headquarters been located in the midwest since our founding, it's not nearly as difficult of a job as the scurvy dog of a Squidmonkey would have you believe. But since he's also part-kraken, we don't argue that point with him too often.
Screechmonkey the Deceptively Innocent
Screechmonkey was originally hired on as a Phone-Answering Monkey, but it's been descovered that his talents are better put to use as a car alarm, air-raid siren, and dog-sterilizer. Let's put it this way: If he'd started screeching at the same time you'd started reading this paragraph, right about now you'd be thinking that it had been a long screech. But he's still screeching, so you'd go through another cycle of "That's so long that it's funny again" and back to "Okay, it stopped being funny just shut up." Maybe even two or three such cycles. You can think about that, have a little mental debate on that particular theory of humor through absurd repetition, referencing the vomit scene in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life and the "What does a yellow light mean?" gag from the episode of Taxi where Christopher Lloyd is taking his drivers test and Screechmonkey the Deceptively Innocent has still not shut up yet!
Vertmonkey the Daring
Vertmonkey the Daring is son of Longmonkey the Tall and our resident idiot stuntmonkey. Vertmonkey is in charge of any activity that starts with "X-treme" except for X-treme Spelling Beez, because that never really caught on. He does all of our stupidly dangerous stunts which risk life and limb. Things like wrestling electric sharks, naked motorcross, shuriken juggling, and trusting the government. It takes a special kind of monkey to live the kind of life Vertmonkey the Daring does. The kind that got dropped on its head a lot as a monkeylet.
Fuzzmonkey the Contemplative
Fuzzmonkey the Contemplative is Undersecretary to the Spiritual Leader & Crackpot Guru Department. His primary job function is to think about the profound, unanswerable, and mysterious questions that none of the other monkeys have the time, or attention span, for. His marathon pondering sessions are consumed by questions like "Why are we here?" and "What is the universe, really?" and "Is free will an illusion?" and "How did I get so damn fuzzy?" On Saturday nights Fuzzmonkey devotes his incredible powers of lengthy contemplation to his own interests by thinking about questions like "What is all that screaming coming from the next room?" and "Why are the other monkeys throwing their empty bottles at me?"
Curious George
Forward Scout Danglemonkey
Springing into action deep behind enemy lines, it's Forward Scout Danglemonkey! Master of disguise, stealth, and being too small and cute for anyone to pay attention to him, Danglemonkey is a vital part of our elite information gathering network of spymonkeys. Despite his youthful appearance, Forward Scout Danglemonkey honed his skills doing black ops during the Cold War, and is proficient in Hiding in Shadows and Moving Silently. Danglemonkey is an expert in Reconnaissance, Surveillance, and Walking in Front to Take the First Bullet.
Frenchmonkey the Mad
Frenchmonkey the Mad has an outrageous accent. He also wears hats on his hands and gloves on his feet. Sometimes he washes his hands one hundred times in a day. He jumps around a lot and throws things at people. In the middle of the night he whispers in my ear, urging me to buy more hats that I'll hardly ever wear. Frenchmonkey is one thoroughly deranged primate. We make him answer the door when missionaries come around.
Heartmonkey the Bulbous
Description needed.
As official Goodwill Ambassador for Areaology.com, Packmonkey distributes hugs, and is dilligently kept out of the way when we're trying to seem edgy and offensive.
Pink Ass Monkey, the Baboon Critic
Description needed.
Bearmonkey the Bear
Bearmonkey the Bear is not nearly so much a monkey as she is a bear. I'm tired of people futilely trying to convince me otherwise, too. Just look at it! That's a bear. Bearmonkey's roles at Areaology.com include mauling tourists, hibernating, mauling anyone who looks at her young, salmon-fishing, mauling, and being the token bear on the payroll. Seriously folks: Bear.
Pornmonkey the Striped
Pornmonkey the Striped made his first online appearance in this popular advertisement and since then has been employed at Areaology.com making sure that each and every one of our computers contains adequate levels of pornographic images, movies, stories, sound files, video games, and whatever other medium you can cram pornography into. How does he make sure the pornography is still there? By diligently watching it, of course. Pornmonkey got his title because he's kind of got gray and orange stripes. This isn't rocket science, people.
DK-monkey the Classic
DK-Monkey is the Senior Phone-Answering Monkey and, when the situation presents itself, will "throw a barrel at it." Some people may question how many problems could be encountered by a webpage, particularly a silly and largely inconsequential webpage, could be fully resolved through the throwing of barrels. Those people tend to get barrels thrown at them. DK-Monkey also wrangles other monkeys into answering the phone as needed, and is a consultant on the topic of Old School.

Feed the monkeys: