How am I doing?

I recently received my 2002 Performance Appraisal from the massive soulless corporation that I spend too much time at. Yes, it took them until March to give us these, they're almost as bad of procrastinators as I am. Since this sort of employee review is completely confidential, I'm of course going to post some interesting tidbits from it online. (Names have been changed to protect the innoc- well, my ass, basically.)

First off, before even turning past the cover page, I find it a little disturbing that included under the Personal Information heading is something called the "Peoplesoft ID" which is apparently an eight-digit number. While I'm sure this has something to do with the software that Human Resources uses to keep them from actually knowing who anyone is, it really ought to be listed under Impersonal Information, for the sake of accuracy.

Okay, getting into the actual appraisal the ratings are of course boring but the comments in some of these sections are downright wacky. For instance, Cooperation: "pyre is effective working in groups with almost anyone. He balances candor and sensitivity to encourage the exchange of productive ideas, and is respected in his department and throughout the organization." Who the hell are they talking about here? Maybe I accidentally took home somebody else's review. I balance what and what? I must be a better actor than I thought.

Quality: "pyre is committed to quality and demonstrates great determination in finding the root cause of problems. As a result, he is very effective in eliminating problems." That first part is totally true. As loathe as I am to admit that I do any extra effort at work, I do like tracking things down to their source. However, this doesn't make me even remotely effective at eliminating problems, because I have no authority and the people who do only occasionally change the retarded policies that I bring to their attention and certain people, despite my best efforts, are still employed.

There are many other little pieces of corporate-speak that I find amusing in these comments, but instead of bogging you down with the kind of vague and uncertain praise that anyone who's ever talked to management has already heard I'll wrap this up with the one anomally I see in the hard and crunchy ratings portion. My single highest ranking was a "Significantly Exceeds Expectations" in the Seeks Opportunities to Assist Others category of Cooperation but in every category of Job Knowledge (which I think should be ranked one of my best areas) I scored only "Meets Expectations." While in common sense meeting expectations is good, on corporate-style reviews it's not actually praise. So according to my employers I go out of my way to help other people, but when doing so I only barely know what I'm talking about. Comforting.