Language Corner

Lesson Two: Description

Vivid and colorful description is a necessity to both quality writing and interesting conversation. Since nobody really reads anymore we'll study some everyday conversational situations in which vibrant description can turn a boring statement into imagery sure to impress any listener. Provided below are some sentences that you probably say or hear every day, followed by examples of how good description can liven them up.

Unimpressive Introduction: "Nice ass. Wanna dance?"
Flavorful Start: "Your lovely buttocks possess an overall curvature similar to that of the golden spiral, a self-repeating rudimentary fractal formed by creating an arc withing the internally diminishing golden rectangles, the eye-pleasing rectangle based on the ratio of approximately 1 : 1.618 found in much classical art. Would you like to come shake them on the dance floor?"

Drab Contention: "I've got the biggest dick you've ever seen."
Colorful Assertion: My pants are a grandiose palace which can barely contain my cyclopean phallus. Were it unleashed, what a treat, this beast would awe all y'all, making King Kong look small. Word."

Understated Warning: "This is a pretty strong shot."
Dire Dare: "Before I let you drink this shot, I'm required by federal law and the terms of the Geneva Convention that you'd be better off if you just filled your mouth with gasoline and swished it around while I cut your liver out, stick it in the blender with a bottle of vodka, and turn it on "liquify." And that's the BOTTLE of vodka, not just its contents, but the actual bottle, too. That having been duly covered, hold up and lemme pour on of those bastards for myself."

Uninteresting Request: "Show us your tits!"
Impassioned Plea: "The bounteous duo of mammarian perfection which dwells beneath your t-shirt teases and torments us worshipful young men with mere glimpses and hints of the succulent splendor of your hooters' divine form. Do not be hide such beauties as though ashamed of possessing delights beyond imagine, but proudly display their glory to the assembled, eager, and appreciative crowds! Particularly myself.

Boring Status Update: "I am so damn drunk."
Thorough Report: "I drank so much today that if you sold me to a minor you'd get arrested for Providing. If you put a wick in my mouth I'd burn for three years. Hell, I drank more before 9 a.m. than most people do all month. If you are what you drink I'd break down as 2% Milk and 190 Proof Everclear. Just six more shots of whiskey and I'll have caught up with all of Ireland. I'm so wasted a couple of beers would help sober me up. I drank some tequila straight from the bottle and the bottle got more of a buzz of it than I did. I'm so far gone I put the moves on 2 parked cars and magical elf. I puked four times on the way home and I drank the last two because they were stronger than the drinks at that last bar."