Suckers!

BAH-Hahahahahahaa! I just pulled off the greatest April Fools prank of all time. You're going to love this. Well wait, before I explain I should say that I can't take all of the credit. I had a lot of help on this one, its something we set up about two and a half years ago. Yeah, that's an awful long set-up for an April Fools joke but oh boy, once I let you in on it you'll see that it was worth it. This is just so fucking funny! Anyway, I totally couldn't have pulled this one off without Al, a bunch of my buddies down in Florida, Junior and his homies, and of course the entire international media system and the American military-industrial complex.

Okay, I know most of you were totally tricked by this one, so I'll spring it on you now. Ready? Check this shit out. We're not really at war with anyone and Bush hasn't even been the real President this whole time. APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHAHA! Isn't that just classic? I can't believe you all bought it for sooooo long. Though I should give props to The Onion and The Daily Show, because they were starting to catch on every now and then. Those guys are pretty sharp.

You see, we whipped this whole thing up after the elections. I was hanging with Al when the results were coming in and he was all "Daaamn this thing was close! I almost lost there." and I was like "Yeah bro, that's so close I bet we could totally screw with peoples' heads!" So that was when we started the whole silly "recount" phase of the prank. God damn, we had a laugh RIOT every time the news was talking about "dimpled chads" all seriously like that was a real term. "Dimpled Chad" was actually the name of this loser-ass band that Al was in back in high school. We just made that shit up, it doesn't have anything to do with voting. Suckers!

But it didn't really get good until we got Georgie in on it. I know you think my man Junior seems like a total prick, but he was totally cool about it. We just said "Hey man, we all know you got your ass kicked in the actual democratic election and lost the popular vote, but would you mind playing along with this gag we've got going? You just have to pretend to be President for about two years, you know, just for TV?" Immediately Junior says "I'm down." Then after a few months, when he got used to it and realized that he could just say whatever on TV because Al was really doing the Presidential stuff that like counted, he started having fun with it. He came up with that entire "Missle Defense" shit all by himself one night when we were at Shooters, so don't be telling me that Bushie isn't a hardcore prankster.

Yeah, it wasn't a totally flawless prank. For one thing, the Army found out. I'll never forget the day the Pentagon called us up all serious asking why Junior was on TV acting all Presidential when they knew damn well who their orders were coming from. But we just got them in on the prank so they wouldn't spill the beans, and that's where Operation Iraqi Freedom came in. Isn't that funny? You actually thought we'd go bomb the shit out of a sovereign nation without the approval of the U.N.? Don't get pissed that we fooled you, I mean a lot of those press conferences took dozens of takes before they could say it without laughing. And sure, the special effects budget for all this war footage ran pretty high, but the actual economy (not the phony one we had the news guys talk about to make it seem like we really had a Republican in office) has been going so well the last two years that it's really no big deal.

I could go on and on about all the little bits of this prank that crack me up, but you'll figure it all out now that it's over. One last thing though, can you believe how many people thought Ari Fleischer was an actual person?? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA!!!