This weekend it's LAN Party time again! Slaughter a fatted calf, everybody, and polish your Morgan Freeman action figures, cuz you want to be ready for the LAN PARTY!

(For those of you not "in the know" or, as the French say Allebert Schweizaire, I'll fill you out. Er... In.)
To understand what a "LAN Party" is, you first have to know what the acronym stands for: Penile Aggresion Reduction Through Yelling. So, when your LAN's penis is behaving over-aggressively you take your LAN to a LAN Party where everyone will take turns yelling and screaming at each other's LANs' penises.

It's a wonderfully exciting group activity that you can enjoy with your friends, but it's also a great way to make new friends and get to know their LAN's genitalia. Oh, the fun that can be had as everyone gets together to simultaneously yell at a particularly aggressive LAN-penis. These shouts and yells are truly the epitomy of every midwestern college student's voyage into manhood.

A LAN Party isn't all fun and games though. If somebody's LAN is in desperate need of a Party, it's groinal aggression may become to much to control through yelling and the participants may have to resort to Group Yodelling or Liquid-Soap Sculpture. That's why it's important to have a lot of people at a LAN Party, so that some of your friends can yell at the mildly aggresive LAN penises while a few experienced Yodellers synchronize and harmonize and simonize with each other so they can get a really good Group Yodel going. That will placate even the most dangerously violent and murderous LAN penis until the Liquid-Soap sculptors are mentally and prepared and lubricated to begin their task.

The art of Sculpting Liquid-Soap is a time-abhorred tradition far too intricate to describe here. Sufice to say that it's one of those endevours in which polydactylism (the possession of exrta digits on the hands or feet) is immediately fatal, instead of only silly looking.

Anyway, I hope to have a lot of fun at this weekend's LAN Party, and I hope you all enjoy your Memorial Day baby sacrifices. Or whatever it is you wackjobs do on "Memorial Day."