Discovered in an old notebook from college:

36 Reasons I'd Rather Be a monkey

1. Among monkeys, public masturbation is not so widely frowned upon.
2. Opposable toes.
3. Walking erect is an option, not a mandate.
4. Picking lice off other monkeys = Efficient combination of hygiene and snacking.
5. Monkey.
6. Prehensile tail.
7. There are few debate methods as effective as flinging excrement at one's opponent.
8. I don't see any monkeys in this goddamn physics lecture.
9. Strangers don't ask monkeys if they have the time.
10. Monkeys beat humans in the space race, and don't you forget it.
11. Hang out with Curious George.
12. Female monkeys are always naked.
13. Donkey Kong always wins in the end.
14. Many monkeys get to live in tropical rainforests, the most fun terrain on earth.
15. Get "studied" by Sigourney Weaver.
16. Monkeys never have to decide what to wear.
17. Swinging from tree to tree is cooler than walking.
18. Get carried around by hot eco-friendly chicks.
19. Monkeys on talkshows always upstage the host.
20. Monkeys piss wherever they like.
21. Monkeys piss whenever they like.
22. Male humans consider urination a fine art, monkeys consider it a spectator sport.
23. Once a saw a monkey peeing while swinging from tree to tree, spraying urine all over the place.
24. That monkey's urine trail was the closest that monkeys ever come to trigonometry.
25. One monkey's act of urination will stay in the minds of an entire field trip of schoolchildren for years to come.
26. In some zoos it is actually possible for an ambitious and talented monkey to pee on the zoo-goers.
27. Monkey Monkey Monkey!
28. All a monkey's gotta do to impress chicks is beat on his chest and yell a lot.
29. King Kong is hung like a semi-truck.
30. Monkeys get 20% on multiple choice tests (A-E).
31. In theory, five monkeys working together would get a perfect score.
32. Six would earn extra credit.
33. But monkeys don't need to concern themselves with test scores.
34. "Among young macaques, mounting indicates an awareness of one's peers." --Animal Planet.
35. Violent branch-shaking beats the hell out of buying roses and candy.
36. Can change my name to "Bobo" without suffering mockery.