pJ: An Interview

p: So questions...

J: You mean you didn't already have them selected?

p: No.

J: See if you can guess who I am in 20 questions.

p: What the hell, I know who you are. You mean like the game?

J: Animal, Vegetable, Mineral. I'm probably a vegetable, but just for this interview.

p: So anyway. Favorite alcohol?

J: Sky Vodka. I know it's not the best vodka, but fuck all the elitists who need to have gray goose or whatever shit. I only have one qualification for vodka, and that's that it has a glass bottle.

p: Yeah, that is a minimum.

J: But it ought to burn a little bit. It'd be like drinking tequila that was smooth otherwise. Somebody has to puke on that shit, so I can watch it.

p: Dude, I can't type this fast.

J: You should type faster. Hell, you should just write a book about me. I'm interesting, and people should know it. Only charge a nickel, because no one would read it otherwise.

p: So what's your problem with women?

J: The one's I can score with, I don't want to. Because I know what I'm supposed to do, and so just forget it. I need a challenge. So then my success rate is pretty low, you know.

p: Are you looking for more of a challenge than you can handle?

J: Well of course?

p: Isn't that kind of retarded?

J: There's always a little luck involved. If it's something where I can't achieve this on my own, but there's other things. Like it's too much for me but there's some intervention involved, luck or god or coincidence or whatever, than that's the best. Maybe that's love.

p: Are we drunk enough for this?

J: Definitely.

p: So what are you doing in the meantime, till you get your love miracle?

J: Keep pursuing challenges. And make my life a bit more of a drama. Complicate existing relationships, until they become challenges.

p: Are you worried about this badly misrepresenting you, since we're talking more than I'm actually transcribing?

J: (laughs) Potentially. Depends who reads this. If I care nothing about the audience: No.

p: I think it's mostly deranged people and young teenaged girls.

J: If that's the audience? No. Some of the people I might send it to: Yes.
But I've got kettle chips and booze, so I'm happy.

p: Why do you think we should do these interviews every month?

J: Cuz I'm fucked up.

p: Do you think people want to read about your fucked-upedness?

J: Of course. Everyone likes people more fucked up than they are. (pause) It would be awesome if you were famous, and you just got trashed before every interview.

p: Are you more fucked up than most people?

J: (thinks) In general, no. Sexually, probably.

p: Thanks for sharing.

J: I mean, emotionally, relationshippally, like that. But no more than the average christian. Well, catholic anyway. Don't say "christian," that's bad.

p: What's up with you and religion?

J: Non-practicing Catholic. Everyone in my family is catholic, but my dad's side is really democratic and gung-ho about that whole thing. My mom's side just doesn't drink as much. Figure that one out. We don't really talk as much. I could see them being republican. I don't know. (pause)

J: I find that if I spill that I'm catholic, and I'm not supposed to have sex and all that. I get more leeway.

p: Really?

J: Yeah, like I'm battling my personal demons or whatever. If I say I need two more days to think about if I want to have sex with someone, it's okay because it's like a decision of if I want to go to hell to have sex with her. I get more leeway for that, otherwise chicks would get mad at you for not being sure. I get more leeway when I let slip that I might go to hell for it.

p: What was it like being raised catholic?

J: Well, it's kinda nice. You got to leave elementary school to go on this busride for CCD. That was highlight of catholic upbrining. Church you just zone out. You get the whole conservative thing... but what we're really interested in is sex and relationships so lets just get to that

p: Okay.

J: Highschool: pretty much nonexistent. Because everyone's, you know, brainwashed. Except for the few people smart enough to be sluts... And then you get the catholic uniform, and that's money! I don't mean like prostitute money, I mean like Score! That's awesome.

p: I get it. That's beautiful.

J: After highschool, I never really had a normal college life. I'm still in my college life and I'm 27. So I guess we'll just phrase that as "adult." You'll date people that aren't catholic, and you don't really want to admit that you're catholic. And even if you do, they don't really know what that means. Essentially, it means temptation versus marriage. I can think back to a particular relationship... you get a relationship where you meet a catholic girl. The first time, you're just going to fuck it up, because Marriage! You're not ready for that. They are... because they just want to have sex.

p: Hold on. (Reads that back.)

J: That's a good line.

p: But continue:

J: What was the original question?

p: Shit, I don't know. "What was it like growing up catholic?"

J: So now I'm grown up. There's this... Ok, this particular girl, the connection we had, it's really hot and really forbidden. Because I'm not ready for permanent marriage and kids. We left her place one night, we're in the car late at night and just talking, and it's just cold, and we want to be closer to each other, we both do. But we don't even kiss, because if we do that we're going to wind up doing it on the hood of my car. That'd be bad.

p: Explain it for the non-catholics.

J: So, they're probably just thinking "Fucking lame-ass bitch" but you're going to have a nice constant sex life, fine. But for catholics it's like this exponential thing, with sex and dirtiness. The longer you wait the more of it there is, it's all that dirtier. So if you meet a 19 or 20 year old catholic, whatever, move on. But if you meet a 29 or 30 year old catholic and they're single, holy shit, that'll be amazing.

p: Are you sure?

J: Well, the longer I go, the dirtier I want to be. Hell, I might even have you beat at this point.

p: For what... perversion?

J: Yeah. Hell, or at least on par.

p: Just how perverted do you think I am?

J: I think I'm more perverted than you are, for one. But you're above average, I don't think you'd dispute that.

p: I'm not giving an answer, I want to hear yours.

J: Oh, shit. I don't know how to answer that. It's kind of a yes or no answer. Is there a scale for perversion? I guess there is. You have saints to child molesters. I suppose you could get a lot more perverted than you. As far as the accepted level of perversion I guess you could get worse than you are.

p: (laughing to hard to type to type)

J: I'm going to set a scale from dullsville, which is the lamest term ever, to Barely Legal, which is one of my favorite terms, it's just such a great term... I would say, with a midpoint at "the Norm" which I should come up with a better terms, since the others were good, but fuck you all... You would be about 2/3 past normal. Based on that other people do go way past barely legal.

p: So, you're saying 2/3 of the way between normal and barely legal, not 2/3 of the whole scale?

J: Yeah. That's you. But I wouldn't put myself *much* past you, though. I dunno, maybe you're one-half. I'm bad at fractions.

p: What the hell do fractions have to do with anything?

J: I have a fraction of a sex life. And yet I'm still at the same Dirtiness level that you're at. That's what. Catholics are dirty! Ok, Catholics just get "weeded out" earlier. You should include that for the non-catholics, so they understand.

p: I don't think anyone's going to understand this at this point. But what's the deal with the catholic schoolgirls?

J: HOT. Ummm... It's the balance between innocence and sex. There's nothing more appealing than that.

p: Nothing more appealing than the balance?

J: It lets your imagination run a little bit. It's innocent, but it's sexy. I don't mean, like, little kid innocent. I mean innocent like "I'm not trying to be sexy.

p: We need to wrap this shit up. Closing thoughts?

J: Oh, shit.

p: Yes, I'm pushing this off on you.

J: I guess, summing up, my Catholicism allows the challenge in relationships... Umm... I'm bad at summaries. Don't write that.

p: I like that.

J: It's not that funny. Anyway, it just creates a lot of challenge in the normal world. I guess what's changed as I've grown older is that now I clue people in on the challenges, and the benefits. How many people can say that their sex was so good that they're going to hell? Or you know, not even good exactly, but WORTH IT. You might want to edit that.

p: We need more drinks.