Old Jokes

"So I went to the doctor, I said 'Doc, it hurts when I do this.' He says 'Then don't do that.' And I said 'Good one, jackass. Now make with the morphine.'"

"Take my wife... Please! OW! Knock it off, you psycho bitch! It's just a one-liner. Damn. No, I'm sorry. I love you. No, it's my fault."

"When I was in high school I went up to this blond at a party and got her into one of the bedrooms. It was all dark and I asked her if it was okay if I put my finger in her belly-button. She said 'Sure,' but then a minute later she says 'Hey! That's not my belly-button!' I said 'That's ok, babe, that's not my finger!' Unfortunately since I didn't use a condom we have twins now. She dropped out of school to raise them and I couldn't afford to go to college because of the food and diapers and all. Please tip generously after the show, folks."

"An American, a Frenchman, and a Polack walk into a bar. And nobody remembers how any of these jokes actually go past the setup, but anyway then the Polack says 'We're pulling our troops out of Iraq. This whole war is bullshit.' and the Frenchman is all 'We told you it was a bad idea from the start. Waging a war of aggression without the support of the international community is illegal.' Then the Polack says 'Yeah, seriously. Your government must be retarded.'"

"There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are only 7 of them that you can't say on television. Except that now you can say at least 2 of those on network TV and like 4 of them on cable."

"This woman was really horny so she went to the sexshop. There the salesmen showed her the latest thing: a Fuckmonster. It was a little foot-high purple thing with a huge dick. They had one out for demonstration, and he showed her how it worked. He said 'Fuckmonster, the table' and the Fuckmonster started started humping the table. Then he said 'Fuckmonster, this cash register' and the Fuckmonster mounted the cash register and started slamming away at it. The woman was impressed with how hard and fast it fucked, so she bought one. When she got it home she opened up the box, lifted up her dress, and said 'Fuckmonster, my pussy.' The Fuckmonster jumped up out of the box and started fucking her pussy. She was really enjoying herself for a while but then the doorbell rang. She said 'Fuckmonster, stop!' but it kept going. She said 'Fuckmonster, quit it!' and other things like that, but nothing worked. The doorbell kept ringing so eventually she put her dress down over the Fuckmonster and went to the doorbell. It was the mailman, with a package she had to sign for. He could see the big lump in the front of her dress thrusting in and out though, and he said 'Lady, what the hell is that?' She said 'It's nothing, just my Fuckmonster.' The mailman looked at her like she was crazy and said 'Fuckmonster, my ass!' Then he said 'ARRRGH! What the? OH! Damn! Help! Aaaah, MY ASS! It's not even using any lube! OW! OW! OW! Get it off! What is this foul abomination? Errrgh! STOP! AAAAAAAHHHH!!! I think it burst one of my hemorrhoids! THE PAIN! Is that blood?' Then the woman hit him over the head with a shovel and hid him in the garage."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side!"
"Why did it want to get to the other side of the road?"
"I don't know. Chickens probably aren't even capable of abstract thought or complex motivations."
"So then was there some food on the other side? Or maybe a hot lady chicken?"
"Chickens are female, dumbass. It would have to be a rooster on the other side."
"So then the chicken crossed the road to get laid?"
"Whatever, man."

And then I found five dollars.