An Introspective End to Monkey Week

When I really sit back and think about the world, my life, and everything all rolled into one big ball, I realize that there's a simple answer. I just want to have my mind in the body of a monkey. Then the wealth and fame would roll in easily, and it'd be more fun, too.

Think about it. What are the three things I do more than anything else? Play video games, type on a computer (stories, email, chatting), and wish I was a monkey. If I was a monkey with my intelligence, I wouldn't have to do that last one and I could become famous just for being able to do the first two. Koko gets her own wildlife refuge and worldwide fame just for learning sign language, and not even that much. When I'm a monkey you can just put a keyboard in front of me and I can converse more coherently than that "Koko good give banana" bullshit. Plus I can read. And juggle. And tie my shoes. And some other stuff that's no big deal if you're a person but seems really quite impressive when a monkey's doing it.

Phase One: Nature shows. I do the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet showing off the basics of my communication skills. Zoologists and other experts talk at length about how monkeys are very much like humans, but my grasp of the english language is still remarkable.

Phase Two: Talk Shows. Late night, like Letterman and Conan O'Brien. None of that daytime crap. I clown around with the hosts, do impersonations of the other guests. Since I can take direction more than other monkeys I could become a recurring guest/character sensation. Everybody loves monkeys, especially when they're doing people things. This foot in the door sets me up well for

Phase Three: Hollywood. I don't want to do movies for long, probably just one or two good roles. Yeah, there's already monkeys in movies. But I'm easier to work with than some starlet chimp who needs a trainer and twelve takes for every scene. After playing someone else's characters for a while though I'm going to want to relax and do my own thing.

Phase Four: Videogame Spokesmonkey. What game designer wouldn't want to be able to say their games are so fun even monkeys play them? I'd be a VIP at all the major gaming conventions. I bet I could even get sponsorship money from hardware and peripheral companies just for using their products.

After I'm thoroughly famous as the most intelligent monkey that bothers to communicate with humans there's no end to the possibilities. I can write a book about a monkey's views on humanity, politics, social issues, the environment, and basically anything else I can pretend to have an opinion about it. It'll be touted by hippies as a great work and environmentalists will quote me because it's the animal kingdom's views finally articulated. I can get a webcam and host special online chats. Everybody wants to talk to a monkey, and then they can see that it's actually a monkey messaging them.

The most beautiful thing about this plan, is that during ALL of this I'll get to be a monkey. In between becoming rich and popular for accomplishing the simplest tasks I'll be able to swing around on trees and jungle gyms and ignore whatever norms of human behavior that I'm tired of, and be hairy and have long arms and shriek and run around and be a monkey and I'M GONNA BE A MONKEY! A MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY!!