How to Order Meat

If you've ever tried to get a rare steak or hamburger in a "family restaurant" or similar chain you've probably either been told by the waiter that they can only do a medium, or been sorely disappointed by the overcooked lump that was presented to you. Here's some basic suggestions that may help you get that dead animal flesh onto your plate its bloodiest. (Don't try these at good restaurants. Anyplace you have to wear a tie will know what "rare" means better than you do, so this guide is unnecessary if you can afford that.)

"As raw as it can legally leave your kitchen."
This is a good, practical order that I picked up years ago from my sister. It generally assures that they'll put in the order at the rarest allowable by their policy. Their Policy is the obstacle between you and a real meal, however, and every time there's a breakout of any damn thing in Britain Their Policy burns my steak more than the last time. If you want rare meat at one of these national chains you've got to get them to cheat.

"No, bloodier than that."
It disgusts me to send a dish back to the kitchen to be redone, because I hate waiting for food. It is a valid option, however. It's also one the manager won't like, because if your steak is underdone you can send it back for a little more cooking but if it's overdone they have to start over. Point out that difference. Mention that you don't like waiting. Suggest that the obvious solution is that they don't leave your meat on the grill for so god-damned long (pronounce it so they can tell it's hyphenated) this time around.

"I won't tell if you don't."
When your server tells you they have a policy about how rare they can serve beef, ask if there's a Health Inspector in the kitchen tonight. Before they can answer offer to distract the inspector while they cook your food. Point out that if they do it right it won't take all that long. If you get the waitstaff to cheat on the chains rules for you, always tip extra.

"If the chef is so concerned about my health tell him I'm not worth it."
I, for one, am not above explaining to the kitchen staff that I'm a malicious jackass and the world would be a better place without me if that's what it takes to get red meat that's actually red. The worse food is for you the better it tastes, so obnoxiously ask for the manager and explain at length how much of a braindead queen you think he must be based on the lack of truly rare meat. Loudly offer him a handjob if he'll ignore the rules for you. Eventually they'll give you a huge cancerous pile of raw meat just in hopes that it actually will kill you.