Best Thing EVER

As promised yesterday, all of this week's updates are going to be about monkeys. It's a well known fact that enough monkeys can accomplish anything, but this weekend I witnessed one of the most revolutionary and miraculous monkey applications conceivable: Monkey Ventriloquism.

But wait! This wasn't just some mere human ventriloquist using a monkey dummy for a ventriloquism act. No my friends, I'm talking about a Monkey Ventriloquist... USING A MONKEY DUMMY!! And, dare I even say it? They were both wearing little tuxedoes! Monkey in a tuxedo with a littler monkey in another tuxedo! I nearly fainted. Monkey Ventriloquist is the best thing ever.
At least until somebody genetically engineers me up some monkey nesting dolls that are actual monkeys. You know, a big monkey that can open up and has a smaller monkey inside of it, which has a littler monkey inside of it, and there's an even littler monkey inside of that monkey, and so on and so forth with each monkey being littler and cuter than the last until you just have a hundred monkeys of various sizes and did I mention that they're all monkeys!?!

But until that day we'll just have to revel in the wonder that is Ventriloquist Monkey.

If I ever get married I'm going to have Ventriloquist Monkey perform the ceremony. If my fiancee doesn't like it then I'll marry Ventriloquist Monkey and we'll have the Ventriloquism Dummy Monkey perform the ceremony. Either way, that's a marriage that's going to last, because I'm sure as hell not going to break any vows I made to such an awesome monkey. "Well, I'd kinda like to leave you for these half-dozen thai prostitutes, but I told Ventriloquist Monkey that I'd love, honor, and obey. We're in it for the long haul, honey."

It just occurred to me that I have stuffed monkeys of various sizes. I'm going to get two that are the appropriate relative height and put one on the other's knee. Then I'll train them to be a ventriloquist act if it takes the rest of my misbegotten life!

If you had a Ventriloquist Monkey and it's dummy went on a brutal stabbing spree, as ventriloquism dummies are wont to do, when the police come and try to blame you for the murders you could say "It wasn't me, it was the ventriloquism dummy!" and when the cops laughed and said "Sure mister, your puppet did it. Loonie." you'd yell "Not MY dummy you idiots, my MONKEY'S DUMMY!!" I'm pretty sure they'd have to let you go at that point, because it clearly proves that your monkey's the insane one who's puppets slit everybody's throats.