3/1/04

What Happened?

I remember when I was in 5th grade and won a school-wide writing contest. The prize was attending a writing conference w/ a fancy dinner (well, it was fancy to me at 10 years old). My teacher then Mrs. Sexton (yes, that was her name and I’ve only remembered 2 teachers names in all of my school years) used to tell me that she knew she would be reading my books in 20 years. From that year on all I wanted to do was be a writer, an author or journalist…didn’t matter. I loved writing and it was the best way I knew how to communicate w/ anyone. Still is. I wanted to write. I wanted no children since I had been somewhat raising my little sister (then two more siblings a few years later) my whole life. I never wanted to get married. My dad was on his second marriage and my mom was on her third (but had many, many brief relationships I will call them). These thoughts (goals?) never changed until I messed them up about 5 years later and just haven’t stopped since then. Everything I dreamt of having when I was a kid and of being I destroyed. I watched my mom get abused many a times, moving from one guy to the next for fear of a real commitment where someone actually treated her right and truly loved her. She used drugs/alcohol and sex like they were the main things in life. It disgusted me! I tried all of my adult life to do the opposite of what she did. Became a Dallas Cowboys fan one year a decade ago cuz she was a KC fan and they were playing in the playoffs vs the Cowboys. Everything the opposite….wait! I think I missed something somewhere. I have become her……