4/15/04

I know all of you are right just for the record. I’m just having a hard time accepting what I need to do for myself. “You need to take some time by yourself”; “maybe you need to take things slowly”; “maybe you just need to step away for awhile”, etc. At one point back in I would say January and February I was getting to know myself for the first time in my life and somehow I got sidetracked and forgot about what I was trying to do. I was enjoying spending time w/ myself and doing things alone and probably had two of the best months of my life even though I had just gotten fired from the job I loved most. I know for my best interest I need to slow down and clear my head as to what I’m really looking for and want in my so-called ‘love life’ but have you ever thought that maybe I’m scared for once. Not scared as in my biggest fear w/ knowing my cause of death will be somehow involving Pennywise. I’m scared of being alone, ok? There. I finally admitted it. What if I stop looking and my soul mate walks right on by? What if I spend some time alone and actually enjoy myself too much to where I never want to be w/ anyone ever again? What if…..well, I could do the what if’s all night. All I know is that all I want right now is to be reminded that I am a woman. Not just a mom, an almost ex-wife, a best bud, a partying friend, a sister, etc. I know this may not sound like me at all, but I feel like I’m going through a phase where I just for once want to be held and cuddled. Is that wrong? Why when I finally got past the stage of men are only good for sex (well, sometimes anyway) and I hated them all does it appear to everyone that I need to slow down and spend some time on my own?! I want someone I can think about when I hear those fucked up love songs on the radio that remind me instantly that I am alone and no one is thinking about me that way. And, finally, what if I spend time w/ myself and find out I don’t like me?