4/27/04

Been a rough couple of weeks but once again I survived. My life still isn't normal, or should I say 'normal' to me but I've gotten a lot of support from my friends lately to stay sane. I still don't know what my intentions are for any part of my life but I'm still alive (unfortunately). It's become very aggravating actually. I feel like I've been alone more than I've not been lately. I'm not so much complaining cuz this time has given me a broader outlook on what I need and want to be doing with my life. I've learned to argue quite in detail with myself lately and the unnerving thing is that I have lost some of those arguments. Part of me wants to extensively search for a basic job so I'm not relying on anyone else to support my family and the other part of me wants to spend this time with my kids and gradually seek out the job that would fit me. I am ashamed of where I have made myself and my kids live; we've never lived in a place like this. My son won't even ride the bus home being so embarrassed...he rides home w/ a friend and then walks a mile home. It's so small, so confined, so spooky actually. I know I should be thinking 'well, atleast we're still together and have a roof over our heads' but I can't think that way anymore. The fact is if I had been motivated, we wouldn't be in this position. I did this and I will get us back to where we are all happy again. My son won't even look me in the eye anymore and I actually haven't seen him in 2 days since he hates being at 'home'. My oldest wants to move in with my almost ex-husband so she can be back in the city. Soon I will be left completely alone. Alone. I almost don't want to leave my place anymore. I hardly see any of my friends anymore and I can't say if that bothers me or not. I only basically have seen a couple friends in the last couple weeks and that's only cuz they came and hunted me down. I'm turning into the people I can't stand to be around.....couch potatoes and hermits. Am I motivated to change yet?! Nope.