4/28/04

I'm contemplating trying to stay celebate for awhile to clear my head and other body parts. I think sex has clouded my head up a little (yeah, i know i'm under-exaggerating that one). Don't get me wrong, I have not changed my mind on what I want but before I move forward into what I want I need to clear my head and heart.

I know I said to everyone that I didn't care about the most recent jerk but I think (yeah, I'm not sure actually) I was lying. Was it infatuation maybe? All I know is I still think about him everyday, but atleast I can say it's less as the days go on. I'm confused on this since I don't know if I miss him sexually or the best friend he used to be to me. I know I'm so pissed at him right now for not returning my calls and then lying to another friend that it was me who was talking to him that I'm glad there is no chance of me running into him cuz I know I would say things I couldn't take back. I just wish he would atleast give me the respect I deserve to tell me why he can't talk to me anymore or hang out w/ me. Friends w/ benefits? Hmmm....I used to have a damn good best friend and now I don't and what do I have to show for it? Jack shit. Out of all of my friends he was the one I could sit and talk to for hours about whatever and not get bored in the least. He was the one I would go anywhere w/ just to hang with him cuz we always had a good time. Of course I miss him. I just want to know why we couldn't go back to being buddies. What did I do that so bad to him that he would feel the need to stop all communication w/ me and not give me a reason as to why? Fuck him. As the days go on, I think of him less and less. If I saw him anywhere about now, I really believe I wouldn't go near him. Why would I want, too? The way I feel is that if a regular guy stopped talking to me, so be it. Life goes on. No hard feelings. But, he was my best friend, too. The reason I hate him right now is that everybody knows he is a playin' womanizer (I can tell you many examples if you want them) but I didn't think I was like the rest of the girls in his life. I thought if he or I ever got bored with our 'situation', we would go back to being buds. Damnit, he did hurt me and bad. I didn't just lose a lover, I lost a friend and have no explanation why. FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He turned me from a bud into one of his chicks and I never even saw it coming. Guess I need to brush up on my playin' skills before I take part in anymore games.......