5/10/04

Too close for comfort

Wow! I almost messed up big time this week, but caught myself before it was too late. I had almost been convinced to let my wall down and allow someone in, all in just a few days’ time. He was sweet-talking and honest but the cuddling and touchy-feely is what almost took me down this time. I wanted to be with him to be completely honest if there weren’t so many other doubts in my mind as to why this wouldn’t work and why I would walk away with yet one more chunk taken from my heart. I felt comfortable with him and opened up to him on a couple occasions with things I don’t normally allow out. Don’t get me wrong…he didn’t do anything technically to change my mind. I just know after today that I can’t be with him because of the doubts I’ve been having. Jesus…he’s 8 years younger than me. Not that age makes a damn bit of difference to me, but a 21 year old man can’t handle me and 3+ children that come with me. In addition, I was having doubts on if he really was over his ex and even if he is, I can’t go day by day wondering if she is over there with him and wondering if he is settling for me because I came into his life at the right time (rebounding sound familiar to anyone?) Called me scared like he has done already this week, I don’t really care what you consider this. There are situations in life that although they feel so right, they really aren’t and someone is going to get hurt. I can’t take the chance anymore….take the chance of being the ‘other woman’ again, the chance of acting like I’m okay when inside I’m aching, or the chance of sitting here wondering what he’s doing. I’ve been down that road too many times and actually too recently. Someone told me recently that if are looking for that ‘right’ person, you probably won’t find him/her. However, once you stop looking someone will come along and you won’t even have to work at letting your wall down cuz it will automatically happen. Hmmm…..

So, although I’m lonely right now I will go on alone. For now, though, I will have the wonderful company of my bottle of Hot Damn to keep me okay for yet one more night. I’m even using my new shot glass that says ‘Dirty Devil’.