5/11/04

As the days go on, one by one, I feel more and more incomplete in this huge cruel world. What once was the most positive attitude that I knew of is now turning quickly into being the most pessimistic. Why? I can’t really answer that one right now. My life seems to get worse day by day, night by night. I feel sometimes that I am turning into my mother since the first thing I think of when I am hurt or angry is to get drunk just like right now. (2nd shot consumed)All I want to do is sit here and get drunk and wish I wasn’t what I am right now. I’ve lost ½ my friends and am not sure quite why on a few of them. My kids don’t respect me anymore and I take full blame for that. I’ve allowed them too much freedom and I don’t know as that I can change them back without losing them. Well, I already technically lost one cuz she doesn’t live with me anymore but instead chose to go live with my ex whom she had hated up until recently. I can’t figure out what I want from men evidently. (3rd shot consumed) Just when I think I know what I want, I get scared and back out before it’s too late. I have been unemployed for 4.5 months and can’t honestly say I have put 100% effort into my job searching. I have damn near ceased contact with my family, even the ones that live near me. Can’t explain it…maybe it’s cuz I’m ashamed of what I am right now and don’t want to see the look of disappointment on their faces anymore that I can’t get it together anymore.

Part of me wants to leave this so-called home and get out with my friends and have a good time. The other part keeps thinking atleast when I am here alone(4rth shot), I am safe against everything. I don’t have to listen to friends arguing over stupid shit everyday, I don’t have to listen to bullshit from anyone that upsets me or offends me, and most importantly if I don’t leave here I am avoiding the possibility of meeting someone who may walk away with my heart and leave me scarred once again. Fuck it…let’s do a 5th shot. What else do I have to do sitting here feeling sorry for myself. If I go to sleep right now, that just means that I will be having those fucked up dreams again that I’ve been having for weeks. You know…the ones that have people you know in them but the dream itself makes entirely no sense but forces me to think about it all day long trying to figure out what it means. And, then when the dreams are over, another day starts. Another day to fuck up and accomplish nothing…..FUCKEN NOTHING! I could sit here and bitch forever, but I think I’m just gonna do another shot instead. I’m losing my typing skills again (thank god for automatic spell check!) so that means I’m done writing for the moment. Not that there won’t be a Hot Damn moment coming later that causes me to write more stupid shit that has absolutely no meaning to anyone out there……………………………………………