5/12/04

Life sucks and I’m just about done w/ it to be honest. My son told me last night that the reason my daughter moved out was cuz she didn’t think I cared about her and that he wanted to move out for the same reason. The guy that convinced me to let him into my heart after having my wall up for 6 months spent the night w/ his so-called ex last night. I spent 6 fucken months not letting anyone into my heart including Trent and then I finally listen to a god damned man and let my wall down to get my heart broken again after only a week. How pathetic is that? I’ve been told this morning that I can’t sit here and not let anyone in, that I can’t find anyone if I don’t take any chances. Can anyone out there tell me why in the fuck I would need to take any chances when I get hurt everytime? What was wrong with me just having one night stands and not allowing any attachments to sneak in there?! NOT ONCE DID I GET HURT DURING THOSE 6 MONTHS from not taking chances. NOT ONCE! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at him or her for that matter. I’m so disappointed in myself again and I just have to ask why people let me make any choices with my string of bad choices mad. Last night I couldn’t even call anyone to talk me out of drinking myself into an oblivion because only a couple people knew about my whatever you call it w/ him, I was too afraid to tell the rest of my friends (that I have left) because they would tell me that it wouldn’t work out for him and I. Shouldn’t that have been enough for me to not get involved w/ him? I let him meet my kids, god damnit! I don’t let anyone meet my kids. ANYONE but friends. Okay, so I left to go cry for awhile and I think my head is as cleared as it can get with being intoxicated. Life may suck but I still have to move on for some fucked up reason.