5/16/04

How do you really know when you are being used? Are their any hints or maybe books on this anywhere. How do you know when someone actually is for real when they say they care about you? Yes, being almost 30 years old I should know the answer to the second question but I don’t obviously. I keep thinking back to the quote a good friend of mine quoted to me a couple of months ago that I posted…something about the pain endured during being in love is worth it just to have loved. I have thought of this quote way too many times lately and am finding it hard to believe that. After 6 months of being ‘safe’, I have taken a chance on someone. From day one of deciding I wanted to be with him, I knew that this gamble did not have good odds right upfront. I would have to take more chances just to be with him. The biggest one is that I may lose friends over being with him because of his past and how everyone perceives him. I haven’t even told all of my friends yet and it’s been over 2 weeks. Shouldn’t this be a sign to me and I’m all about signs. I am taking a chance with my family accepting him if it would get that far because of his age. Day by day I wonder if this is worth it but I keep being with him anyway. I don’t know what I’m doing with him and I so wish I could explain it to you. I love to be around him and he makes me laugh and smile but has also already caused me to cry twice in one week. Is it just that I had finally gotten to that point of loneliness that I felt I had no other choice but to give someone a chance, and he happen to be at the right place at the right time? I somehow feel like I’m on the rebound again but that can’t be possible. The main reason I am still with him now is that my son likes him being around and he’s actually been talking to me this past week and showing me respect. If I leave this ‘relationship-type thing’ now, I am afraid I will add yet one more battle wound to my son and my relationship. How in the fuck do I get myself into this shit?!