6/24/04

(With apologies from pyre that this was posted late.)

It's been over a month since I've written last so let me start off with saying I'm sorry to everyone. Not a lot has happened since I've last written but a few things. I've been dating an ex of a friend of mine but he's only 21 years old (8 years younger than me for those of you that don't know that I'm almost 30). As the days go by, I am reminded more and more that he is too young for me. He hasn't persay cheated on me again since the very beginning but he hit on a 16 year old a few weeks ago. Disgusting, if you ask me, but he is only 21. I guess, in a nutshell, I've been keeping him around for the wrong reasons.

He is probably tied for being the best lover I've ever had, so let that stand as the #1 reason. Well, is he? He wants sex every night and he is good but now that I am extensively thinking about this topic, he meets the actual 'good sex' factor but is lacking the sensual side which I have always thought was most important to me. He also lacks the sensual side that I need outside of the bedroom which I think has to do w/ his age. That is probably the most important thing I need from a man (woman) and is probably part of why my marriage didn't work. I need to know I'm wanted and needed (sorry, to a certain ex who may read this and has heard that line from me too many times). It's not a confidence thing, so don't take it that way. I'm not sure how much longer I will have him around and I'd rather not get into all the reasons I have come up, but I wanted to mention the most important.

My 14 year old is trying to get me to kill her, I think. Since I've last written she's taken two joyrides in just about stolen vehicles, one of which she drove herself w/ no previous driving experience. She is currently being charged w/ 4rth degree theft and may be banned from a well-known department store as well as the only mall in our area. Her 18 yr old boyfriend just moved here from LA, so don't even get me started on that subject. She pushes me to my limits on a daily basis and has found out how far she can push me on a couple occasions recently.

Still job searching. Have to hurry now, cuz I only have a few weeks left til I will have no actual monetary income. Had a few offers which were bunk and there's no way I could have been satisfied in those positions for more than a week.

I have not been drunk in over a month now, but I won't be able to say that after tomorrow night since there's a party I've been looking forward, too. I've been clean for 5 weeks tomorrow, though. You would think the original reason I went clean was to get a job, but it was actually to lower my tolerance level. But, then I figured what the hell may as well see how long I can stay clean to get a better job.

On a final note, the one thing I think is helping me keep my head up....well, I can't tell anyone what that it. He knows who he is, though.