Mushroom Rejects Unfunny

The Mushroom is a gaming news parody site, basically taking the "fake news as comedy" idea of The Onion and applying it to video games. The other primary difference is that The Mushroom has generally been considered painfully unfunny. Personally, I'd agree with that, but add that I think it's been dramatically improving under its new editor and I have proof! Below is an article REJECTED BY THE MUSHROOM for being not funny enough.

Two Prefaces:
First, copyright info: this article was written by Rob Budrick and is his intellectual property and moral responsibility. It has been posted here without his permission, because he seemed so darned set on getting it puplished and The Mushroom didn't want to do it. It was sent to me for the purposes of review, and if Mr. Budrick is going to start a new humor endeavor now that he seems to be no longer affiliated with The Mushroom I'd be more than happy to link to it here so he can consider this free advertising.
Second, if you have no idea what any of this is about, are just one of my friends or family who periodically read this page to humor me, or are not the kind of person who actually looks at the webpages linked to on Something Awful or Portal of Evil (and you probably are), I'd recommend not actually reading the following article.

Paperboy Still A Big Fucking Loser By Rob Budrick SMALLVILLE-Remember that shitty Atari arcade game from 1984 where you played the role of an underpaid, overworked news carrier? Yeah, so do we, unfortunately. That game blew, even though some assholes decided to port it to almost every platform. But hey, what would you expect from Atari? Anyway, we had a chance to chat with the Paperboy himself, Doug Danskin who is now 31 and still living with his mom. When I spoke with him recently he was wearing a wife-beater with what appeared to be tomato sauce stains all over it and brown polyester pants with paint blotches covering the legs. He's now a big fat fuck and has deep scars on his face from all the zits he had when he was a teenager. His room smelled like shit and there were piss stained, skid-marked tighty-whities strewn all over the place. There were pizza boxes located in seemingly every place in the house there was a surface to put one on. His mom's a corner ho who offered me a blowjob for 10 bucks outside in the driveway. I considered, and then decided I didn't want a green dick. While his neighborhood as we remembered it seemed relatively conservative, the place is a ghetto now. All the breakdancers that used to trip when you walked down the road have now formed gangs who cruise the town in their low-rider gangsta go-carts that used to run you over. Stray dogs and cats are far more plentiful now than before and will bite off you ass when you aren't looking, not just make you fall off your bike like the good old days. His mother's house, along with all the others in the neighborhood, still has all the windows broken on it from when Danskin used to accidentally throw papers through it. Nowadays, you couldn't pay a paperboy enough to deliver to this part of town. And yes, car drivers will still run you over without hesitation; we should have know when the original game was released that the town was going to hell, seeming as anyone who drove through this neighborhood didn't stop-they want to get the fuck out RIGHT NOW! When I arrived, Danskin offered me a seat and I subtly removed a few old pieces of Muenster cheese from the offered chair. Three of the chair's legs broke off as Danskin shouted, "I's gutcha good there diddin I?! Har Har heh!!" I considered sitting on the counter but I didn't want to get eaten by all the ants. Besides that, I didn't feel like wiping away a bunch of dead roaches first, so I stood. Said Danskin, "Hey man I's wuz jus jokin bout that chair thing. You wanna beer?" He tossed me a gold-colored can by the brand name of 50th Golden Anniversary Special Brew. I took a swig and it was the most horrible tasting, piss-warm, watered-down, beer I've ever had. I drank five. Danskin told me, "Shit, at $2.29 a case, ya's can't go wrong, eh?" I asked him, "You seem to be quite the prankster there. I bet you broke every window in this town on purpose." He answered, "Fuck yeah I's did! Them mutha fuckers never paid me and I's was stuck with the bill to pay fo' dem newspapers. On average, each customuh would owe me six weeks in back pay. Den ma boss would come and beat me till I coughed up cash for dem papers I never got the money for. He was my mom's pimp until a few years back when I gave some gansta some rock to kill 'im an bury him in the local dump. Best twenty bucks I ever spent." As for ma ma's windows, well, shiiit. I jus broke them fer fun." Danskin downed an entire 50GAS beer without taking a breath and continued. "So, anyway," Danskin told me while scratching his asshole and then sniffing it, "This town pretty much went to shit. Whoa! Take a whiff a that! When asked what he did for a living, Danskin replied, "Well whattaya mean?" I replied, "You know, how do you make money?" He said, "I dunno I just kinda sit here and watch TV all day, an eat, an drink beer an sometimes my mom gives me some dough for beer an pizza. Not a tough job is it, heh heh? I guess that kinda makes me her pimp if she gives me money, but then all the bill collectors would be pimps too. Kinda philosophical or sumthin, huh? Man you gotta sniff this!! Whooooeeeeee!!" "Sometimes I even go out an shoot me some dogs an cats," proclaimed Danskin. "What are you plans for the future?" I asked Danskin. "Well, Wheel of Fortune is on pretty soon so I reckon I'll watch that for a while, then I'll order a pizza, then I'll go bum some coke off my mom, then I'll take some Nyquil and go to bed. If I get up early enough tomorrow I can watch the Jesus show on TV and then watch Wheel of Fortune again." Danskin blew his nose on an crusty hankerchief and then licked his snots. He offered me some while assuring that I could get high off it due to the coke residue in the boogs. I declined on account that there were little blood clots in his boog. He told me he always thought they were raisins. Danskin savored his mucus while he cut a big fart that actually blew dust out of the couch he was sitting in; the couch that had two spots in the shape of his and his mother's asses. I saw this as my que to leave. I snagged a blowjob from his mom on the way out and then checked my handgun to be sure it was loaded. Just to get to Danskin's house I had to shoot nine dogs, four cats, two muggers, and six drivers that tried to run me down in the street with their cars. It was close to nightfall, so I counted on doubling that. I'm happy to say that my dick did not turn green, and that even all you dorks who are reading this right now are less of losers than Danskin. So be happy you're just a fucking loser and not a total, complete, 100%, bona-fide, loser.

The opinions expressed in the previous article in no way represent the opinions of Areaology.com. We LIKE Atari games.