Seeing as how I've realized I'm never going to be a rock star, I might as well share a few of my secret plans for having a band, in case anybody who has any actual talent would like to use them:

1. I would have named my band The Opening Act. That's a great name because when you start out and are opening for other bands you can get this whole - "Who's opening for them?" - "The Opening Act." - "But who IS the opening act?" - "Oh, they're just this band from Iowa." -thing going on. Then when you're the headliner you can have the advertising list off all the bands that are before you and then end it with "...and THE OPENING ACT!!" I'm not sure what to do if the concert was just The Opening Act and no other bands, but that could be kinda funny too.

2. First CD has to be called "Self Titled Debut," which has the combined benefits of confusing radio DJ's and listeners and having the initials STD. The main songs on Self Titled Debut should be One Hit Wonder, Radio Single, and a live track named A Song We Just Wrote That'll Be On Our Next Album.

3. I would name our second CD "New Album" so at concerts people can say "Be sure to pick up The Opening Act's New Album." The second album is a good time to actually get popular, because then people can "discover" your older CD and feel cool about that. Plus, original fans who had the first CD can tell everybody how old school they are. One easy way to popular and get mainstream radio and Mtv play is to make a heavy metal, techno-industrial, or rap cover of an older song that everybody knows, like pop songs from the 80s or 70s. Sweet Dreams, Blue Monday, and Faith have already been used for this purpose, so you'll have to cover something else to get airplay from this album. Some songs I'd like to do heavy covers of: Walk Like An Egyptian, Walk The Dinosaur, We Got The Beat, and It's Raining Men.

4. Around the third CD is a good time to release "The Opening Act's Greatest Hits." Be sure not to include any song from any of the previous CDs. That way, in interviews when they ask why none of the songs from the first two CDs are on the Greatest Hits album you can say "Well none of them were all that great. I mean, did you even listen to them?" Good songs to include on this CD instead of previous hits would be I Liked This Band Back When We Played In Little Clubs, and We Were Better Before We Sold Out.

5. When it comes time to do a solo act for a while, I recommend calling your solo project "That Guy Who Was In That One Band."