These are just things I write, okay? Sometimes they're profound insights
or funny stories and I'm really proud of them. Other times it's mindless
rhetoric that I've since completely changed my mind about and am ashamed
of. But most of the time it's just words.
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Last-Minute Voting Guide
So it's election day and you still haven't decided whether or not you're going to bother to vote, much less who to vote for if you do. Don't worry, here's some simple guidelines to help you out:1. If you vote for somebody and they win, you don't get to complain about all the crap they do wrong. Since every president will screw something up at some point, be sure you don't vote for a candidate that seems likely to win if you want to keep your bitching rights intact.
2. If you don't vote at all, you don't get to complain about the winner because people will blame you for not voting against him... for some reason. However, you do still get to be completely apathetic. Combine that with the fact that you don't have to even leave your room to Not Vote, and this becomes a pretty good option.
3. If you vote for a major-party candidate and they lose, you get to complain about the other guy and blame everybody else for electing him! Woohoo! You can bitch about anything and everything you want, because you were enlightened enough to vote for the slightly disimilar candidate who had a mildly less effective marketting staff!
4. If you vote for a third-party candidate you may think you've found the easy way to maintain your ability to complain without fear of it being taken by your candidate's victory... BUT people will accuse you of "wasting your vote" and may try to blame you for letting somebody win by not voting for the guy who wound up in second place. You can defend your decision by taking the moral high ground and speaking out against the injustices of the system, but that takes a lot of effort, and if you cared that much about any of this you probably wouldn't be reading this. So the key seems to be to vote for the losing major-party candidate, but there is one more option:
5. If you wrap some duct tape over your mouth and/or leap in front of a bus on its way to plummet off of a bridge, I won't have to hear you talk about politics.