These are just things I write, okay? Sometimes they're profound insights
or funny stories and I'm really proud of them. Other times it's mindless
rhetoric that I've since completely changed my mind about and am ashamed
of. But most of the time it's just words.
Older Fun:
(12/27/00)
(12/20/00)
(12/19/00)
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(05/03/00)
Polite Refusal
"I'm sorry Ma'am, but we can not print this picture without cropping off your sister's left arm. No Ma'am, it's not a print size issue. Our lab is incable of producing an image on a print that was never on the negative. Perhaps next time instead of sending such a lengthy letter along with your order you could attempt an advanced photography technique we refer to as "Pointing the Camera in the Direction of What You Want a Picture of." Thank you for your business, here are your pictures, for which (due to your inconvenience) you'll be charged full price.""I apologize sir, but our techinicians cannot "adjust the brightness" of your family portrait so that your son's skin tone is the same as yours. Besides the fact that altering the color density would lighten or darken the both of you in equal amounts, there's also the matter of your son's apparent african-american heritage, which is something neither you nor your wife seem to possess. Or photodevelopment technicians recommend that you discuss the matter of your son's skin color with your wife, and not with our processing lab."
"Dear Valued Customer, Our Enlargement Department appreciates your inclusion of an original 4" print with your enlargement order, as that is the best way to help our operators ensure that your enlargement has the best possible color match to your originals. However, they would consider it even more helpful if the original print you returned was of the same frame you wished to have enlarged, or even of the same subject. You see, our staff is a little unsure how a picture of your living room is going to assist them in color balancing your 8x12 of the Eiffal Tower."